This is my sister. She's the cool one. She likes to tell this story about how, when we were younger, I told her that I had a secret I would tell her when she turned 16. When she finally got to be 16, she excitedly asked me what the secret was.
"Oh that," I said. "It turns out I was wrong. I was going to tell you that you were destined to be The Most Beautiful Sister. But it turns out it's Lily."
She was pissed. But our sister Lily was really pretty as a kid, and I am terrible at lying. And either way, it still put me in last place, so #perspective, Lucy!!!
Over the summer, I went to Maine with Lucy because it was something we had always wanted to do and I am trying to be more adventurous and free-spirited like her. While there, I texted my friends to ask them if I could get my nose pierced, or if my teaching environment was too conservative for that.
They said I couldn't pull it off, so I texted them a picture of Lucy. She looks kind of like me, so I figured it would help them envision me with a nose-piercing if they saw her with one.
They were all, "No, we get it. Lucy looks great with her nose pierced. You're not Lucy. You're too Ann Taylor to pull that off."
That was depressing, as I have not shopped at Ann Taylor since I left grad school and had to buy a suit for interviews!!!
Now, you might not notice this because Lucy's relationships last mostly from 1-5 years, while mine are shorter.
What they have in common, though, is that both of us genuinely like who we are as people -- until we start dating someone. Then we hate who we become. Why? Because we get needy. We go from being these fiercely independent women who travel the world, build wells in Africa, volunteer with ex-convicts, work with abused kids to... icky people who need someone else's approval.
Our mom grew up in foster care and that probably had a lot to do with her neediness. When we were kids, she would call our dad about 15 times a day, just to ensure he was still there and to find out his every move. I had a roommate who used to do that with her boyfriends, too, and it disturbed me. That's how Lucy's neediness now exemplifies itself, relationally-speaking.
Mine is the opposite. I watched all that phone-calling and was so determined not to be that person that I end up over-correcting. Instead, I initiate NO phone calls, NO texts, nothing. I'm so damn determined not to hem someone in that I just wait. And wait. And wait. And if whoever I'm dating actually has a life and doesn't have time to text me every day, I get really sad. And then eventually I get resentful. And by the time they do text me, even though I'm really happy to hear from them, I come across as bitchy.
Lucy has made "relationship rules" for herself: she is only allowed to call her boyfriend 2 times in a row. She has figured out that that's her limit before she goes ballistic and starts erupting. If he does not pick up the phone and she has tried calling 2 times already, that means that he is really busy and he genuinely cannot answer.
Another one of her tricks that she learned for herself is to delete her own texts right after she's sent them. That way she doesn't see when her boyfriend has "read" them and she can't get needy about why he hasn't responded yet.
I realize that my sister and I sound pathetic in this blog post. I DO realize that. But Lucy says, "Everyone has their issues. Literally, every single person. The question is finding someone who is willing to grow through your issues with you."
That's what I'm looking for. Someone who recognizes that I'm kind of a train wreck, but that he's kind of his own train wreck. And maybe we can be wrecks together and learn things. In counseling they teach you that the only way to grow relationally is to have relationships. It doesn't matter how many African wells you build or dollars you raise for charity or marathons you run... those things grow you as a person, but they don't grow you relationally. That only happens when you allow yourself to be in relationships.
To end this post, a quasi-quote from Table 19: There's no one else I'd rather forgive than you. There's no one I'd rather be forgiven by than you.
I think that's what we're all looking for. Someone we feel safe screwing up with because we know their forgiveness is complete and they'll help us grow through our shit.
If there's one thing I've learned as a gardener, it's that shit helps things grow.
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