Garrett

 I used to have this mentor, we’ll call him Greg. Greg went to church with me. I met him when he and his wife were leading a small group I was a part of. I don’t really remember how we decided to be mentor-mentee, but we would meet every so often in the conference room at his office and he would give me counsel about life, relationships, jobs, and my searing personality.

Greg told me once, “You need to be more mysterious. Don’t put everything out there. Leave things to the imagination!”

Greg did not believe in blogging one’s feelings and experiences. You should let people wonder about you and your fabulous life. Leave them guessing.

But I met another guy, Garrett, and he had opposite advice: Blogging helps you process. It seems cathartic for you.

I think both things are true, which creates a certain paradox. A cognitive dissonance, if you will.

We are all leaving this electronic footprint, you know? And mine is huge. When I pause to think about how many posts I wrote on MySpace in its hayday, notes on Facebook, multiple web logs… only my naivete allows me to sleep soundly at night, with all of that still floating out there in the ether. It’s like there’s another Elle, a cyber-Elle and she has a life of her own that I don’t even remember anymore. That’s a bit scary.  

Despite that, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge that I'm really sad. Stratski thinks I get my heart broken way too easily. She would never say this out loud, of course. But a year or two ago, I called her after this guy I really liked ghosted.

“You only dated him a couple of months!” she exclaimed. Then she realized I normally don’t even keep guys around that long. It’s pretty easy to tell if I feel any connection within a few dates, so if someone makes it past that point, it means I think they’re legit. It means I like them for real.

This happens rarely, so I suppose that makes the disappointment that much more keen when I can’t maintain the relationship, even in its fledgling state.

I get it. There are easier and more fun women out there. As Greg once told me, “Do you know why I chose my wife, even though I was engaged to someone else when I met her? Because she was FUN. The other girl was just so much effort. I could have fun with Annette, and I loved that.”

I chastise myself for not being more fun all the time. But I keep ending up with these emotional roller coaster men! Do you know how hard it is to have FUN when you never know where you stand with someone? When they swing wildly from hot to cold to hot to cold?

I know a lot of you are married, and have been for 10 or 15 years by now, so maybe you never experienced this or don’t remember it. But today’s dating environment is exhausting... 

Someone might text and FaceTime you every day for weeks, and you think you have this great connection. 

Then after a month or so, they tell you they just want to keep things casual and date around.  

But then they talk to you about fun trips they want to take with you and movie lists they’ve created for you to watch together, and you feel good. 

Then when you don’t hear from them for a few days, you remember, “Oh yeah. He said he wants to date around. I’m back at the bottom of the pile again.” 

Only then you go on an amazing date, and you think, “I’ll put in the time with this person, if they want to keep things casual. I would do that for them, they're worth it to me.” 

But then they tell you they’ll see you that weekend; and you don’t hear anything. 

I’m okay with not being someone’s Only One, you know? That’s natural at the start of relationships. It’s the hot and cold that I hate. I would so much rather just be lukewarm but steady at the beginning of a relationship. At least then, I know where I stand. It’s going from being someone’s first (and 50^th) text of the day, to days where they don’t talk to you at all and they forget they even said they'd see you. All I need is a text. Tell me you're thinking of me. Tell me you wish you could see me but you have work.

I guess if I really knew I mattered to someone, it would be different, you know? But as I told Stratski, when someone tells you, repeatedly, that they want to date other people, that they want to keep things casual and open, and THEN they cancel plans or quit texting you or no longer call you at night... then you know it's not because they're busy at work. They told you what they wanted and you weren't listening.

I guess I'm really sad today because I was so hopeful about meeting someone who was really different than all the other guys I'd dated. Weeks ago, I texted my friends: I met someone! It had been a long time since I last sent that text. 

I was excited when he talked about going to a Halloween party together or going to a winery sometime or visiting some churches together. I thought, "He actually wants to spend time with me!" And I kind of blossomed.

But then none of those things happened. He would say he'd try to see me that weekend, and I wouldn't hear from him until the following Tuesday. And resentment and insecurity would simmer as I swung between hoping he'd call because I really wanted to spend time with him, to frustration over my own inability to make other plans while I waited. It wasn't really his fault. He'd said he wanted casual and he was being casual.

My friend Stacey said, "He said he wanted casual. He would go days at a time without calling you. That's casual. Maybe YOU just didn't want casual." That is an extremely fair statement. I liked him and I wanted him to like me just as much.

At the end of the day, I wonder when I will stop being someone's afterthought?

I think the truth is, I would rather be alone than keep being that.