Two Beers.

I went on Revenge Dates this weekend. The first one was TERRIBLE. It was at 5 o'clock at a coffee house. The guy was a writer, which might explain why he refused to make consistent eye contact with me. Also, when I asked him why he'd grown up here, gone to college here, and settled down here without ever having seen the world, his response was:

"I've never wanted to travel. I'm happy here. I don't want to leave or go anywhere, I've just never had that desire."

And I was all, "I see. So are you still friends with all your old high school buddies?"

He said, "No, not really. Only like Matt Williams and Shawn Tucker and Jace Overby and Ty Willard, oh and Danielle Foster. Plus, my whole volleyball team..."

To which I say, "BUH-bye!!!!" 

Just kidding, I stuck it out for the whole date, which mostly consisted of him describing the many literary talents of Stephen King. Since I'm determined to gain at least one thing from all dates, I decided to use all my newfound Stephen King knowledge to recommend further reading to one of my students.

But then I got home at like 6:30 and I was kind of bummed. So I decided, "SCREW IT!! GARRETT DUMPED ME AND HE'S OUT HAVING FUN, SO I'M GOING TO HAVE FUN TOO!!!!"

Ergo, I went on Date #2, which truly amazed both Stratski and Tricia, my Dating Advisors. They didn't think I had it in me to go on 2 dates in one night. I showed them!!!!!

Date #2 took place at Oktoberfest, which I felt was a fantastic place for a date. Also Date #2 was not with a weirdo who refused to look at me. 

However, there was one fatal flaw, and that was the alcohol. A Moment of Backstory...

The year was 1999 and I went to a competitive college that charged a fortune. I had to sign a contract that said I wouldn't drink any alcohol for 4 years. I ended up leaving that college and transferring to a much cheaper university, where I volunteered for a youth organization that also insisted I didn't drink for 4 years. Then I continued volunteering for the organization even after university when I left college-town and got a job in the "Real World."

I tell you this backstory so that you will understand my predicament when I tell you that I didn't drink any alcohol until I was about 24, and I have almost ZERO alcohol tolerance. And this is despite steady training in the ways of wine and beer in the subsequent years since.

So here is how Date #2 went:

6:30 -- look through 3 pages of emails from online paramours while eating Chinese food. Oh, hello, attractive man!!! Why, yes, I would like to go out with you!! 

6:32 -- realize attractive man is actually Evander Holyfield and that the email I'm looking at is really from the pasty small man in the crook of Holyfield's arm, naturally. No, I would not like to go out with you, you look like the Unabomber. Also, you can't spell wordz.

6:35 -- get email from potentially Interesting Person. Decide not to sit at home and be sad. YES! Will go to Oktoberfest. Besides, like profile that mentions:

And I am all, "Yes! I, too, am not interested in hookups! And he TOTALLY stole that last line from me!!" (not even kidding, he admitted it).

7:00 -- Interesting Person says he will be my date to Oktoberfest but can only have 2 beers so he can drive home. I say that is perfect because I can only have 2 beers, period. I will be walking home but 2 is my known limit. I text him how to pronounce my name because it is my Pet Peeve when people say it wrong.

7:20 -- meet Interesting Person. Get first beer. IP tells me, "thank you for Name Pronounciation Guide, however, I'm a Long Island Italian boy and know how to pronounce it because it is my aunt's name."

7:21 -- am immediately excited! KNEW this person did not look like he was from here. Like him instantly. Ask where his family is from. He says Rome; very exciting, as mine is from Rome and Naples.

7:35 -- continue drinking beer. Overshare about family.

7:48 -- continue drinking beer. Tell him to guess my teaching salary. Beer might be taking its toll?

8:16 -- Interesting Person asks if I'm ready for a 2nd beer. I do not realize that German beers are darker and therefore more potent. I think I am still fine to drink 2 beers, as I have Chinese food base. I say yes.

8:39 -- Interesting Person asks if I'm religious. I launch into a lengthy dissertation on religion.

8:51 -- Interesting Person explains he is in charge of Lambert. I want to know if he means the airport or the home of throwed rolls? 

9:03 -- I notice the first protestor, but in my 2-beer-drunken state, I think, "Oh, isn't that precious? What a nice young man protesting and stirring up awareness all by himself!!" not realizing that there is a mass of people behind him.

9:16 -- announce to Interesting Person that it is Teacher Bedtime. Really, I could stay out later, but he would probably offer me more beers and I am already 2-beer drunk! I must excuse myself before I do something even more inappropriate than I already have!

9:23 -- Interesting Person hugs me goodnight and I fall over. Skip home, accompanied by protestors.

9:30 -- Receive frantic texts from friends, asking if okay.

Next morning...

8:00 -- Text Stratski: am HUMILIATED by 2-beer conduct.

Fortunately, he thinks I'm hilarious and we're going out again...