Online.

I went out with my friend Tricia the other day.  She’s single, great job, nice apartment; likes the Cubs, but then, everyone has at least one fault. Tricia lived here for awhile, took a job elsewhere for a few years, and recently moved back. 

“Have you tried online dating recently, Elle?” she asked one evening as we walked in the park.

I glared at her meaningfully. Had I not been catfished by nearly every human man within a 50 mile radius? At least, that’s what it felt like.

“I’m telling you. It’s different now. There are more people out there or something. You should give it another try! I went on a great date the other night with a very normal guy.”

I consider it a sad state of affairs when we measure success by the words “He was a very normal guy.”

In case you haven’t read this blog or the one before it, here is a brief recap of some of my most memorable online dating experiences:

·      * the guy who let his 9-year-old wander around in the mall while he met me for coffee

·     *  The guy who waited until our date to tell me he was a pastor WHEN I HAD ALREADY BEEN DUMPED BY TWO PASTORS AND STOPPED GOING TO CHURCH

·     *  The guy who made a date, cancelled it while I was on my way, begged for a second date, and then cancelled it when I was sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant

·    *  The guy who cried into his beer and told me he was bi-polar on our first date

·      * The guy who ended up being the guy that gave a friend an STD – and then I got hired in his building and we had to work together for the next 6 years

·     *  The guy who so completely lacked a personality that I later met him at a party and introduced myself, asking his name in return, because he had made so little an impression -- he was super pissed

·    *  The guy who lived far away, emailed me a ton, went out with me once or twice, and then kept texting me without wanting another date… FOR TEN YEARS.

* *  The guy who showed up for a January date at theZoo without a coat and made me lend him my earmuffs and buy him hot chocolate

·      * The guy I forgot ever going out with, who then married my friend. This seems to be a theme.

·      * The guy who asked me to meet him at 7 on a Friday night, then ordered nothing and watched me eat while telling me about the amateur horror movies he films in his backyard

·     *  The guy who was clearly mentally handicapped and had had someone else write his dating profile for him (and yes, I stayed for the whole date)

·      * The guy who kept standing me up inexplicably

           

            And that’s all the shit you deal with before factoring in the current state of affairs in online dating.

Yeah.  For you Marrieds out there, let me tell you, it is not a pretty picture in Single World if you’re a woman. Men are mean. If you don’t respond back to them, they call you a pretentious bitch. Or some send you first messages that say, “I’d love to bend you over backwards.” Or some just immediately, like upon learning your name, invite you over to their house like you’re a two-bit strumpet.

            I put a lot of time and thought into crafting a witty online dating profile, but it turns out only a handful of guys actually read the words, and those are the guys who end up ghosting after a few months.

            So what’s a gal to do? I’ll tell you. Get rid of all the words in my dating profile. ALL. THE. WORDS. Put only pictures. Not pics of me looking hot, mind you. Pictures that show disturbing things to weed out the riffraff.

For example: tampons, a feminist poster, a Hilary baseball cap, some Black Lives Matter graphics to weed out the racist bigots

Maybe that will get rid of the messages I get like this:

I went out with my brother Saturday. God, I love that guy. He said that he, too, used to play the field and tell women he wanted to keep things open and casual...when he was 25 and a raging narcissist. It's easier that way. Then when someone calls you on your shit and you feel guilty, you can write her off and move on to the next girl on your roster who makes you feel good about yourself. But it's not crazy to suppose, at this stage in life, that someone would actually choose to just date me after a couple months.

So, you know, I'll post my best disasters here until that happens :-)