I don't know if I told you, but a girl I knew from high school recently took me aside and informed me that I've been dating gay men.
Yes, that's right.
We ran into each other at a party a few weeks ago and she said, "I feel like I need to watch out for you a bit, you're pretty naive and we did go to high school together. So, as you're going out on dates with guys from church, please be aware that there are a lot of guys in the church we attend who are gay."
"I'm sorry. Are you telling me that I'VE BEEN DATING GAY GUYS!?!?!?"
"Look, I don't want to name any names, okay? But my parents are therapists so they've counseled a lot of men who are struggling with their sexuality. And also... well, I'm really good friends with a lot of guys. So I know... things."
"WHAT KIND OF THINGS!?!?! I don't understand what I'm hearing right now."
"Look, all I'm saying is, I fell in love with a guy in high school and wasted a lot of life on him and he ended up coming out. I don't want that to happen to you. So you need to be aware, as you go out with church guys, that -- because our church teaches that homosexuality is wrong -- a lot of the men who struggle with it are trying to overcome it by pursuing women who go to our church. I don't want you to end up with your heart broken like I did, that's all."
"I've always thought that I'm attracted to men who seem gay. My ex, for instance. I thought he was gay when I met him. He wore really tight t shirts and talked with a bit of a lisp. He worked out a TON and was really close to his mom. Do you think that might be why he pannicked and decided he couldn't marry me?"
"Sounds like it."
"NO, there's just no way. He was a very good kisser."
She looked at me strangely. "That means nothing. They can be excellent kissers and even have sex with girls. That doesn't mean they aren't struggling with homosexuality."
I was numb. If they could sleep with women and enjoy kissing, how on earth was I supposed to tell if someone was gay and I was just a beard??
Charity gave me a sympathetic pat on the arm. "It's better for you to know now and be on your guard, rather than finding out years down the road after you've given your heart away. I think gay men tend to gravitate toward girls like us... we're both very artsy and dramatic and love singing and dancing and that sort of thing. You just want to be careful."
Careful! Hah! Careful is the understatement of the century. Since speaking with Charity all those weeks ago, I have been consumed with suspicion regarding ANY guy who even speaks to me, much less asks me out. And according to all the googling I've done, even the most unsuspecting guys can be gay, the ones with the manliest demeanors and the most committed girlfriends.
I told a friend who works at the store with me about my disturbing discovery and she said, "Oh yeah, I know! At X University, there's a massive underground gay population. My friend is a part of it. There are apparently tons and tons of guys in relationships with girls at school, but then they all sneak out at night and meet up with each other to... you know... have fun."
"And these guys all have girlfriends?"
"Well, there are LOTS of guys, so not all. But many of them do. They're not ready to come out yet, though, so their girlfriends have no idea. My friend even told me one of the guys is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend."
"That is so messed up," I muttered. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to find a decent guy among the unmarried men of my aquaintance, now I have to worry about finding one who isn't in deep denial about his sexuality, as well.
But I kind of do hope that Max was gay.
5 comments:
Ugh. I just posted the longest comment ever, and Blogger freaking deleted it.
Anyway- so this is basically my worst fear: marrying a gay men. I'm not kidding either. This happened to my cousin. She married her high school sweetheart, who she dated for five years. After being married for another five and having a kid together, he comes out. Now, he literally lives in a duplex down the street from her with his partner. Talk about total crap.
If that's not enough of a reason to worry- every man that I've ever felt remotely "safe" with, has been gay: my senior prom date, my best friends in high school AND college. They ALL came out within a few years of my meeting them. Don't get me wrong- I Love gay men. They can be the most incredible, loyal friends. But I do not want to date or marry one. :)
My radar's gotten pretty good with time though. So if you're freaking over this in the future- I'm on it. :)
How can you be "on it" if it's still your deepest fear that you're going to accidentally marry someone who is gay!?!?
E,
I don't think you need to be as worried about this as you are... You either Michelle. I know it's a really fear in this day and age, but you need to pray for wisdom and discernment. If you get to know someone on a deep level I think you will know who they are... I think your friend got burned and now is over reacting.
Yeah, you're probably right. But I would feel so very vindicated if it turned out that Mack was gay after all. Then I could say, "See!? He had deep-seated issues, that's why he dumped me. Not because I'm lacking. And on top of it all, I WAS RIGHT!!!!"
Okay, I wrote a long drawn out post to your question yesterday, and I lost it again, and was too tired to respond again. twice.
so anyway. My answer was something along the lines of, you see with clearer eyes when your vision isn't clouded with the emotions that go into a relationship. love CAN be blind (although it isn't always) so my fears for myself are that I would cast aside suspicion in favor of companionship. But I still think I will ALWAYS be suspicious of any man I'm in a relationship with until....I'm not anymore? I don't know. You're talking to a girl with the dating history of a grapefruit. We'll see when the time comes I guess. But I also feel like this is seen as more of a "cardinal sin" in the church (I also think it's ridiculous that sins can even be categorized, but that's another story entirely) and therefore, something that is more likely to be hidden...even from those you love most. Out of fear.
Nikki's probably right, though. It's really not something we should worry about toooo much. But that's easier said than done sometimes. :)
And I do still think I have a good radar. Haha! :)
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