I am one of those people who likes list... give me a list any day so I remember to go on a walk, send Dad a Father's Day card, and cut my own bangs when I get home from work (saw them in the bathroom, they're getting too long). There was a time when I could remember these types of things without lists. I had a excellent memory and near-total recall. But then I entered my current profession and all that went to pot. So now I have lists. And I like having my goals at my fingertips on little pieces of brightly colored paper, where I can be reminded of all that I hope to accomplish, even if it is as mundane as a haircut. Maybe having a list makes me feel like I'm getting something done, not just spinning my wheels into eternity. Or perhaps I just like Post-Its.
Lists are a woman thing. You will find nary a man anywhere who carries around scraps of paper and makes checkmarks on it as he goes about his day. Women, on the other hand, make lists for everything: groceries, errands, friends to buy Christmas presents for... even Black Lists of friends they are mad at :) But the most important list of all, in any woman's mind, is a list so prominent and awe-inspiring that it doesn't even bear adjectives. It is known simply as "The List." As in, "How does he line up on The List?"
You know which one I mean, of course. The List of attributes each woman is looking for in a prospective spouse. The List varies from woman to woman but is a given for each.
And for some reason, I've never really made one. I guess I figured it was going to be hard enough to find someone who "fit" me without subjecting each and every guy I met to a List of non-negotiables. When forced to articulate what I am looking for though, I speculated, "Strong faith, good-looking, decisive/leader style, intelligent, and tall-ish." Bonus points if someone also had freckles and/or dimples, which I am a sucker for. So that list is 5 things long. You would be surprised, though, at how hard it is to find someone in this area who meets that List and isn't married/taken. There are a lot of men who share my faith, but they aren't necessarily intelligent and articulate men. Or there are a fair amount of men who can speak intelligently on different subjects, but they look like overgrown science camp geeks. Or they're cute but they lack the balls to DO anything.
And that leads me to where I am today... re-evaluating The List. I know a lot of my readers will be horrified at the conclusion I've reached, but I feel like it's been a long time coming.
I have a friend from college who has, like me, really only been in 2 very serious relationships (and a lot of non-serious ones :) She took a lot of flack from the rest of our friends for her last relationship (3 1/2 years) with Z because her boyfriend didn't share her faith. But as she told me at the time, "I lined up with Kevin [1st boyfriend] on the 1 MAJOR issue of common faith. But on the 99 issues that came after that on my list, he fell flat. But I pressed ahead thinking, 'oh faith! that's everything! that will make up for all the rest!' It wasn't enough. And now I'm happy with Z. Sure, he doesn't share the same fundamental building block of faith with me. But he is perfect for me on 99 other counts. And in the end, I think that's worth that 1 missing thing at the top of my list." Of course, it didn't ultimately work out with Z either, but that wasn't because of the faith issue. And I'm pretty sure my friend still stands by her statement that the top of the list is negotiable if the 99% of the list at the bottom is solid.
To be honest, I was horrified when she told me all this, a few years ago. I was still very dogmatic, legalistic, and, in some sense, idealistic about all of this. But I've been exposing myself to online dating and meeting lots of new people; I've been looking at my parents' marriage (iffy), which is based on faith instead of the bottom 99% of The List; and I've been reading the statistics on divorce (read: unhappy endings) for marriages between those who share my faith -- same unhappy endings as everyone else. And all of this metacognition -- I'm sorry that's the teacher in me -- has forced me to the conclusion that finding someone who is a "solid, strong Christian" as all my married and brainwashed friends always used to insist was necessary, just doesn't hold the same importance for me that it used to. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that having dated men who were allegedly "solid, strong Christians" has pushed me further away from wanting to be with anyone like that again. For the first time in my life, I'm going on dates with men who are not "believers" (how I resent that term now!). And I've got to say, they seem a lot nicer and a lot more genuine than many other guys I've dated from the church... guys who always talked about praying for me and guarding my heart (ick) and never really had the stones to do anything.
So, pray for me if you must. My parents certainly will be once they inevitably learn (hopefully after I get married) that I don't really care about dating someone from "the faith" anymore. But this is what comes from being 29, single, cynical, and now worldly-wise. I don't regret it.
5 comments:
I am so with you on this! :) I was just having a conversation with my best friend about this yesterday. I too have finally seen the light and come out of the legalistic ways of thinking. And one of the things that I've struggled with the most is the possibility of falling for someone outside of "the faith". It honestly still kind of scares me (because of all of my school girl fantasies of being with "a good, strong, Christian man"), but it's also very, very hard to find the kind of man I see myself being with (you know, the other 99 things) inside the church. We'll see. I'd still love to find someone who understands, respects, and participates in my spiritual life. I would love a man who would genuinely pray for me. But if I do marry a Christian, he'll most likely be a man with a past who loves and understands people. And why they do the things they do. I could never go back to the perfect child raised in the perfect Christian home who's never really experienced life outside of the Church. Not for me. :)
I'm looking forward to talking to you about all of these things in person soon! :)
I think I thought that if I dated a "good, strong, Christian man" I would be "safe." Safe from being hurt, safe from being abandoned, safe from being divorced. And if there is ONE thing I've wanted my entire life long, it is to feel safe. I thought that my best shot at safety was one of those Christian men who is supposed to protect, defend, support, blah blah blah. And little by little, I've realized that Christian men not only don't do ANY of that, but worse, they know they're supposed to do all of that and they still don't. At least with non-believers, I have no expectations.
Screw marrying someone with a past, who understands people. I'm beyond that. I don't think that decent, spiritual men exist inside Christianity. Maybe I'm jaded.
Hmm...well you know i am going to have something to say about this!:) It's funny you should write this because my roommate and I were just talking the night before about how we can't understand how more difficult it must be for people who aren't Christians to maintain a marriage. Marriage is hard. end of story. christian, non-christians, buddhist, whatever. It's hard. But at least if you marry someone who shares the same convictions with you, you always have at least one thing in common. If you start basing your relationship choices on wordly things ie. we're both intelligent, we both like to read, we both like run, etc. and that is all, you're going to be in big trouble about a month after your marriage. And i can say this because i am not one of your "brainwashed married friends" (yet :) ). but have in fact councilled people on marriage, talked with a lot of people about marriage,etc. Why would you WANT to spend your life with someone who doesn't share the thing that is most important to you? that seems crazy to me. Just because you've had a bad dating experience doesn't mean you throw the baby out with the bathwater. Sure, some of the guys you have been talking to or going out with may be "nice" or even "nicer" now, but I would love to see you be in a relationship with them and then be able to state that you still think its better. In the end, there is nothing to hold them accountable. They don't have to abide by the marriage covenant God has set out for us. What will you do when you guys want to make a decision and need to seek wisdom and discernment about what to do? who will he seek wisdom from? And it's very scary to me to vow to be a help-mate to someone, to allow someone to "lead" me and my family who is not rooted in Christ. Heck, it's scary with someone who is rooted Christ.
I think it's silly to say no Christian men do what they're supposed to do. and then to say, well i have no expectations of non-believers so that makes things better. You really should think higher of yourself than to go into a relationship with no expectations. Look at yourself in relationships, have you been perfect? have you been the perfect model for a "Christian relationship"? no. none of us have but thank goodness for grace!
All I'm saying is that it is silly that because you girls haven't found "the one" yet or have had a few relationships that ended poorly, you are throwing what is most important to you out the window. It reeks of desperation. It is not easy. Many people jump into marriage waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too early and with the wrong person. Many people (christians) don't even ask God if that's the person they're supposed to be with. and we wonder why we have the same rate of divorce that non-christians do. Marriage is not to be taken lightly and it is a lifelong decision. I sure as heck would want to be with someone who can understand and be held accountable to God.
Plus people change. You can't guarantee that their faith will be exactly the same as when you married them. What happens if one of you becomes agnostic and the other is still a committed Christian? It might be better to start the marriage with a compromise about faith instead of having to figure out how to live with someone who is nothing like the person you married - in regards to faith.
Wait, KrisT, I don't think I get what you're saying. Say it again, in different words.
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