...And then he had to open his mouth

Number of dates in the present week: 5

Number of men I am intrigued by: 1

Number of honest conversations I have had about the lack of chemistry with guys I feel nothing for: 0

I went out with Gerard again last night. Ma made me. She loves farms and Gerard wants to be a farmer someday. He stresses the joy and freedom of being able to walk outside starkers and take your underwear off the drying line.

"Do I look like a girl who will ever hang clothes on a line outside to dry? Or run out of underwear?" I asked incredulously. He just laughed. Fortunately, I liked Gerard (he was the only guy in this week's dates who caught my attention), so he got a pass.

Last night, he came over, met Laura, walked around town, and came with me to the wine bar, where we ate pizza and beer. He took a while to warm up, but when I asked whether he was shy or untalkative, he said shy so I forgave him. Then, we got a blanket and spread it all out on the hill by the lake in front of my house and looked at the stars for a few hours while a delightful breeze blew over us and the windmill purred across the street. It was all very wonderful until he opened his mouth and started talking...

...about what "dating" looks like ideally. And what do you think dating looks like ideally to Gerard Butler, ladies and gentlemen? Courtship. ewwwwwwwwwww. I shudder just recalling the conversation. He said that he believes "dating" should allow him to have many such experiences (completely platonic nights under the stars with a girl he is lying a solid foot away from) until voila! God suddenly reveals to him, "This is the one I want you to pursue."

I am such an unaccountably shy person when it comes to voicing my opinions that I merely said, "Well, that is pure crap. That's the exact opposite of what I think dating should look like!! I hate all those Joshua Harris books about kissing dating goodbye and all that. Everyone I know who believes in the courtship mentality is crazy and socially deluded." I have got to start controlling myself.

So I don't really know where that leaves us. I assumed that all that meant he is one of those guys who don't believe in kissing a girl until he is pretty much engaged to her. And although I like him a lot, if that is the case, adios amigo. I don't like you that much. I need me some smooches.

Ted

Speaking of Christy and pearls of wisdom, I was reminded anew of her exhortations against judging books by their internet covers today.

Meet Ted: 6'4'', 32 years old, blue eyes, scruffy/wavy hair, one-dimpled smile (what is it with all the men?!?), very charming and funny via email. I met him today for lunch. It may have been the single most painfully awkward date of my life, but I don't know. There was just NOTHING there. We tried to talk. We tried to laugh. I tried to eat shrimp (no use, they still taste like cooked thumbs to me). He was impossibly cute and I was impossibly charming. But there it was at face value: he was nothing like Internet Ted.

Internet Ted wrote me witty and interesting facebook messages, always egging me on and eager to hear more. Real-Life Ted was monosyllabic and straight-faced. I couldn't imagine being comfortable enough to ever want to kiss him. And I wondered:

Is the internet killing my dating life instead of reinvigorating it?

In the old days (read: 1980s), men would have been forced to meet a woman like me in social settings and ask me out in person if we both felt a connection. But that doesn't happen now. Now, we look for someone who is compatible with us on paper and then we try to force a spark when there isn't one there. It makes for some very awkward positions. What do you do when the guy you found on paper isn't the guy who shows up at the bar? Do you tell him right away, "Hey, you're terrific and I sure did have a good time emailing you... but I'm just not sensing the right chemistry here." Or do you keep putting that off, thinking that maybe he really IS the same guy you saw on paper but it takes him awhile (a month? two months?) to warm up? At what point do you tell him, "You're not who I thought you might be"?

I think it was clear to both Ted and I that we didn't have the right connection. But I'm not sure it was clear to Jared, who took me out last night. That was our third date, and we could be next door neighbors for the level of politeness we display to each other. He is maybe the sweetest guy I've ever met. And as Laura points out tirelessly, he has a great job, great car, great pet Great Dane (I can't help it, I'm a sucker), and he's very cute. I just don't feel any sparks. Every time I'm with him, it is painfully obvious and I feel so badly knowing that I've got to tell him at some point and that he'll likely be disappointed (he brought me flowers last night. we had champagne to celebrate my new job!) But I just honestly don't feel the connection!

Side note: I didn't feel ANY connection with Nick From New York when we first met 2 years ago, either. It took a long time being friends for that interest to develop.

I think this is where it helps that I'm watching The Bachelorette. She seems to be pretty decent at cutting guys loose if it's best for them and for her. I tried to point this similarity out to Laura, who grudgingly agreed, but then felt compelled to state, "Well I HAVE had chemistry with a lot of guys who ended up being complete losers. So maybe no sparks is just fine!" Maybe. But I can't seem to convince my heart.

And in any case, if the internet is undermining my dating ability, at least reality TV is helping it.

The Strong, Silent Type

I met a guy for coffee last night. I wasn't sure I wanted to go... I've had enough coffee to last me for years; and it was stiflingly hot; and the man in question had confessed to seeing my profile online months ago but not contacting me because, "the personality profile you have isn't one I typically mesh with at all." Great. Thanks for doing me the honor, buddy. But I made myself go because I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, a leaf in which I am able to find my prince out of sheer volume of frogs I meet for coffee. Plus, Christy told me that you can't judge your interest in or connection with someone just off of a picture and a profile: some guys are bad spellers; MOST guys are bad picture takers. You've just got to keep meeting frogs till you find one that's promising.

That's why I was a little nonplussed when I showed up at Starbucks to be greeted by Gerard Butler.

Of course I didn't realize he was Gerard Butler at first. I was too sidetracked by his tall, brooding, deep-eyed handsomness. And the fact that he had only one, really deep dimple on the right side of his face. FOCUS!!! No, no, I didn't make the connection until he was in the middle of telling me about being a training officer for the military and I had to shout, "Holy crap! You look exactly like Gerard Butler!!!!!!!!" He started laughing, whether because of my enthusiasm or because I obviously couldn't concentrate on what he was talking about I don't know.

"I'm sorry, I just had to say it! Why are you laughing? Have you heard that before, do you get that a lot?"

"Yeah, I've heard it before," he said.

"Well, don't be offended. Geez, people tell me that all the time. I obviously bear a more striking resemblance to him than you do, but still..."

Anyway. I talked to Gerard for 2 hours, at which point the conversation lulled and I said, "So, what do you think, are you ready to go?"

And instead of saying, "No, I'm having a great time talking to you! Tell me more!" or even saing, "I guess we ought to, it's getting kind of late, but I've sure had a blast with you!" he said, "Yeah. I think so."

I looked at him blankly. "Okay."

"Well, thanks, I had a fun time," he said.

"Yeah well," I replied airly, "I'm a fun person, what can I say?" No way in hell was I going to tell Mr. Inscrutable that I had had a nice time too. HAH! I had sat there most of the time trying to figure out what was going on behind his eyes. He gave the impression of making lots of value judgments and thinking many deep thoughts, but having no intention of letting them anywhere near the surface. I realized he was the strong, silent type.

And that's when I wondered: can I be who I really am with the silent type? Or will I just end up being Crazy Elle?

The thing I've noticed over the past several years, is that I change my personality depending on the guy I'm with; but unlike most other girls who change to be more LIKE their guy, I change the opposite way: to be as UNLIKE him as possible. If I'm with someone who is really self-confident and outgoing, I turn inward and and insecure. When I'm with someone who is nervous or self-effacing, I become effervesent and exuberant. I always feel like I need to go to the opposite extreme. For instance, last night, Gerard had been so quiet and reserved that I felt compelled to walk up to SEVERAL complete strangers and start chatting them up. I'm not kidding, I even got one email address. Gerard's aloofness was making me uncomfortable (what was he thinking, dammit!??!?), so I overcompensated by being as outgoing as I possibly could. Plus, let's be honest, if a guy is interested in you, you'll know, right? And I was getting the impression that he couldn't care less...

"Well, see ya!" I said, as I walked to my car.

He laughed at me. Laughed? Why is he laughing? Damn him!!!!

"Would it be okay if I called you sometime?" asked Gerard as he walked up to his Jeep.

"Eh? Why? I thought I scared you off. You know... with the personality. and the not wanting kids. I don't get it. Man, you're difficult to read."

That is when Gerard walked over to where I was standing, pinned me against my car and kissed me passionately under the glow of the moonlight, in front of all of the other Starbucks customers, who began applauding wildly and whistling for us!

Okay, I lied, that did not happen. But he did shove his hands into his pockets, walk over to my car and say, "I'm hard to read? Man, I'm sorry."

"Oh. Oh. It's okay. UM, maybe I'll be seeing ya..."

And that was how we left it.

A Reassessment of The List

I am one of those people who likes list... give me a list any day so I remember to go on a walk, send Dad a Father's Day card, and cut my own bangs when I get home from work (saw them in the bathroom, they're getting too long). There was a time when I could remember these types of things without lists. I had a excellent memory and near-total recall. But then I entered my current profession and all that went to pot. So now I have lists. And I like having my goals at my fingertips on little pieces of brightly colored paper, where I can be reminded of all that I hope to accomplish, even if it is as mundane as a haircut. Maybe having a list makes me feel like I'm getting something done, not just spinning my wheels into eternity. Or perhaps I just like Post-Its.

Lists are a woman thing. You will find nary a man anywhere who carries around scraps of paper and makes checkmarks on it as he goes about his day. Women, on the other hand, make lists for everything: groceries, errands, friends to buy Christmas presents for... even Black Lists of friends they are mad at :) But the most important list of all, in any woman's mind, is a list so prominent and awe-inspiring that it doesn't even bear adjectives. It is known simply as "The List." As in, "How does he line up on The List?"

You know which one I mean, of course. The List of attributes each woman is looking for in a prospective spouse. The List varies from woman to woman but is a given for each.

And for some reason, I've never really made one. I guess I figured it was going to be hard enough to find someone who "fit" me without subjecting each and every guy I met to a List of non-negotiables. When forced to articulate what I am looking for though, I speculated, "Strong faith, good-looking, decisive/leader style, intelligent, and tall-ish." Bonus points if someone also had freckles and/or dimples, which I am a sucker for. So that list is 5 things long. You would be surprised, though, at how hard it is to find someone in this area who meets that List and isn't married/taken. There are a lot of men who share my faith, but they aren't necessarily intelligent and articulate men. Or there are a fair amount of men who can speak intelligently on different subjects, but they look like overgrown science camp geeks. Or they're cute but they lack the balls to DO anything.

And that leads me to where I am today... re-evaluating The List. I know a lot of my readers will be horrified at the conclusion I've reached, but I feel like it's been a long time coming.

I have a friend from college who has, like me, really only been in 2 very serious relationships (and a lot of non-serious ones :) She took a lot of flack from the rest of our friends for her last relationship (3 1/2 years) with Z because her boyfriend didn't share her faith. But as she told me at the time, "I lined up with Kevin [1st boyfriend] on the 1 MAJOR issue of common faith. But on the 99 issues that came after that on my list, he fell flat. But I pressed ahead thinking, 'oh faith! that's everything! that will make up for all the rest!' It wasn't enough. And now I'm happy with Z. Sure, he doesn't share the same fundamental building block of faith with me. But he is perfect for me on 99 other counts. And in the end, I think that's worth that 1 missing thing at the top of my list." Of course, it didn't ultimately work out with Z either, but that wasn't because of the faith issue. And I'm pretty sure my friend still stands by her statement that the top of the list is negotiable if the 99% of the list at the bottom is solid.

To be honest, I was horrified when she told me all this, a few years ago. I was still very dogmatic, legalistic, and, in some sense, idealistic about all of this. But I've been exposing myself to online dating and meeting lots of new people; I've been looking at my parents' marriage (iffy), which is based on faith instead of the bottom 99% of The List; and I've been reading the statistics on divorce (read: unhappy endings) for marriages between those who share my faith -- same unhappy endings as everyone else. And all of this metacognition -- I'm sorry that's the teacher in me -- has forced me to the conclusion that finding someone who is a "solid, strong Christian" as all my married and brainwashed friends always used to insist was necessary, just doesn't hold the same importance for me that it used to. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that having dated men who were allegedly "solid, strong Christians" has pushed me further away from wanting to be with anyone like that again. For the first time in my life, I'm going on dates with men who are not "believers" (how I resent that term now!). And I've got to say, they seem a lot nicer and a lot more genuine than many other guys I've dated from the church... guys who always talked about praying for me and guarding my heart (ick) and never really had the stones to do anything.

So, pray for me if you must. My parents certainly will be once they inevitably learn (hopefully after I get married) that I don't really care about dating someone from "the faith" anymore. But this is what comes from being 29, single, cynical, and now worldly-wise. I don't regret it.

Men! A Song of Mourning, Part 2

I don't know if I told you, but a girl I knew from high school recently took me aside and informed me that I've been dating gay men.

Yes, that's right.

We ran into each other at a party a few weeks ago and she said, "I feel like I need to watch out for you a bit, you're pretty naive and we did go to high school together. So, as you're going out on dates with guys from church, please be aware that there are a lot of guys in the church we attend who are gay."

"I'm sorry. Are you telling me that I'VE BEEN DATING GAY GUYS!?!?!?"

"Look, I don't want to name any names, okay? But my parents are therapists so they've counseled a lot of men who are struggling with their sexuality. And also... well, I'm really good friends with a lot of guys. So I know... things."

"WHAT KIND OF THINGS!?!?! I don't understand what I'm hearing right now."

"Look, all I'm saying is, I fell in love with a guy in high school and wasted a lot of life on him and he ended up coming out. I don't want that to happen to you. So you need to be aware, as you go out with church guys, that -- because our church teaches that homosexuality is wrong -- a lot of the men who struggle with it are trying to overcome it by pursuing women who go to our church. I don't want you to end up with your heart broken like I did, that's all."

"I've always thought that I'm attracted to men who seem gay. My ex, for instance. I thought he was gay when I met him. He wore really tight t shirts and talked with a bit of a lisp. He worked out a TON and was really close to his mom. Do you think that might be why he pannicked and decided he couldn't marry me?"

"Sounds like it."

"NO, there's just no way. He was a very good kisser."

She looked at me strangely. "That means nothing. They can be excellent kissers and even have sex with girls. That doesn't mean they aren't struggling with homosexuality."

I was numb. If they could sleep with women and enjoy kissing, how on earth was I supposed to tell if someone was gay and I was just a beard??

Charity gave me a sympathetic pat on the arm. "It's better for you to know now and be on your guard, rather than finding out years down the road after you've given your heart away. I think gay men tend to gravitate toward girls like us... we're both very artsy and dramatic and love singing and dancing and that sort of thing. You just want to be careful."

Careful! Hah! Careful is the understatement of the century. Since speaking with Charity all those weeks ago, I have been consumed with suspicion regarding ANY guy who even speaks to me, much less asks me out. And according to all the googling I've done, even the most unsuspecting guys can be gay, the ones with the manliest demeanors and the most committed girlfriends.

I told a friend who works at the store with me about my disturbing discovery and she said, "Oh yeah, I know! At X University, there's a massive underground gay population. My friend is a part of it. There are apparently tons and tons of guys in relationships with girls at school, but then they all sneak out at night and meet up with each other to... you know... have fun."

"And these guys all have girlfriends?"

"Well, there are LOTS of guys, so not all. But many of them do. They're not ready to come out yet, though, so their girlfriends have no idea. My friend even told me one of the guys is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend."

"That is so messed up," I muttered. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to find a decent guy among the unmarried men of my aquaintance, now I have to worry about finding one who isn't in deep denial about his sexuality, as well.

But I kind of do hope that Max was gay.

Men! A Song of Mourning, Part 1

I told my friend Sam that I was rooting for this guy (Frank Schwartz) to win The Bachelorette this season. The reasons are three-fold: 1.) I like Frank. 2.) Ali likes Frank. 3.) Frank looks like Samantha's fiance, Dan, who was my best guy friend in high school.

I never, EVER watch reality tv. It makes me too nervous. In reality, people screw up and act like morons and forget the words to their songs. I don't want to watch someone else's embarassment on national tv! It's embarassing enough just hearing the commentary on the radio the next day.

However, Laura loves The Bachelorette so I grudgingly watched the episode she tivo'd last week. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm hooked now, but it was certainly interesting. For one thing, because it was all so contrived and fake. In what world do you fall in love with someone after one date!? And also, Wake up, Ali! These are GUYS! They're competitive by nature. They would be saying you're the girl of their dreams even if you looked like Mr. Ed.

Despite my yelling at the tv and rampant annoyance with Ali, I succumbed to Frank's charms. He just looked SO much like Danny! It was hard to hate him, so I chose him as my favorite and urged Ali to give him a rose, keeping him "safe" on the show for another week. Luckily, Ali was as taken with Frank as I was. There was much kissing and canoodling and Frank said, "It's going to be really hard for me to see you going out with all these other guys after this. I feel so close to you and like you're my girlfriend already."

Okay, a little creepy, but maybe it was just a super good first date and he was talking about where he saw it going.

That's why it was so disturbing to open up People magazine last night at the grocery store and see that Frank has been lying to Ali (and ME!!!) and that he has a girlfriend back home.

A-hole!!!!! What is wrong with you!? What is wrong with all men!? The guys who seem to good to be true are really in love with someone else. The guys who aren't in love with someone else lack the stones to even ask a girl out. And all the other guys are gay.