ah hah

I had an uncomfortable revelation recently. I've been struggling mightily with the idea of joining this church that I've been going to for like 4 years. I took off work to take all the required membership classes, and yet I can't seem to make myself sign on the dotted line. What would really change if I were a member? Nothing, really, except then I would be subject to church discipline. And this church is feeling more and more heavy handed to me.

I was at church on Sunday and the pastor said, "You need to repent of wanting this church to be 'normal' if you're one of the people who is afraid of change. We are going to change, and it shouldn't be any other way! We are going to grow and expand and it's going to be uncomfortable, but that's okay. Normal is BORING! Your life is already boring enough. Did you know the average attender of this church only comes 2 out of every 5 Sundays? It's time to stop sitting in the boat and start ROWING! You know why?! Because if you're rowing the boat, you don't have time to bitch and moan about what direction the boat is going in!!!"

I told my friend Ralph this because he was out of town and missed the sermon. He was like, "Awesome! So are you going to suck it up and join the church now!?"

That was odd to me, that Ralph assumed that I took this sermon to mean I should join the church and become an actively committed "rower." And the more I thought of it, that is the very obvious conclusion, that is of course what I SHOULD have gotten from the message. But it wasn't what I got at all. I got a sick feeling. I told Ralph that I wanted to tell the pastor, "I know why the average attender only comes 2 out of 5 Sundays!!! They come to write their tithe check and serve in the nursery like you keep telling them to do, and then they look for another church on the other 3 Sundays!! They look for a church that won't make them feel like they are constantly missing the mark and stuck on the outside!"

And that's when it hit me: I ALWAYS feel like I'm on the outside of everything. I never feel like I really fit in. At my first college, my second college, CCF, my first church... And then I started thinking about it and I realized that the problem with the church I left wasn't that the man I was going to marry was on staff and I couldn't handle seeing him. I mean, at first it was that. But really what it boiled down to was that when we broke up and he got hired, I felt like he was the favored child, on The Inside. And I was on The Outside. I hated that the church was growing like crazy and he was part of this exciting new ministry and everyone knew he was... and I was just some random nobody who didn't belong and didn't fit in and didn't have any place anymore.

And then I realized that I'm really pathetic. I mean, what the heck? I can't go to church there because I don't have a ton of friends and I feel like I have no one to sit with? I mean, what is that? Is that why I can't commit to the present church, too? Because I don't feel like I belong? How much of my life have I wasted just imagining that I was on the outside of something? And how does one get past that?