Wanted: My Dignity.

I am a man in dire need of help. As you can see from this photo, my manliness has been either stolen or badly mislaid. Why else would I, a white man with a buzz cut living in the city, strip down to teeny-tiny boy shorts, anoint myself with enough oil to fry a chicken, and lay out to baste in front of my apartment complex? The mere fact that I just used the phrase "teeny-tiny boy shorts" should be evidence enough that something alarming has happened to impair my brawn. In the city, this ain't how we do! I have clearly been robbed. If you can furnish any information as to the whereabouts of my dignity (even if it's just a few shreds here or there) you will be handsomely rewarded with an apple martini.