The Portable Elle

Day 6 -- Now I know why New Yorkers are obsessed with shoes. It's because they have to buy new ones every month. At the end of this trip, my Sperrys and my brand new Toms are going to need to be replaced. Most of you guys know that I deal with clinical depression and because of that, exercising -- and the endorphins it brings -- is really important to me. I can't believe I was worried about where and how to exercise here. I feel like exercising is all I do all day long. My shoes are nearly worn through and it's been less than a week!

Here are some other gems I've learned about New York. I've decided to summarize:

1.) There are a LOT of androgynous types here. I can't tell if they're men or women. It's very disconcerting. I don't know why it matters, but I want everyone to have a label and fit into a box. I NEED to know if you're a man or a woman!!!! Is that a crime!?!? Liz would say that this is further proof that I'm a "Charlotte" from Sex and the City. Charlotte once famously complained about New York's bi-sexual population by saying, "Gay? Straight? Pick a side and stay there!!" I don't like Charlotte, but I can see Liz's point.

2.) An interesting thing here is that men do not go completely drag, but wear pieces of women's clothing. You can still absolutely tell they're men, but they are dressed in jeans and belts that give them very distinctive hips and butts. Personally, I find it disturbing, but I know that's not very PC. Anyway, I was informed that the jeans manufacturers are making this a lot easier by making a new cut of denim called the "girl cut." First there were boy cut jeans for girls, and now there are girl cut jeans for guys. I guess we should have seen that coming, but it's still messed up.

3.) New Yorkers don't like fitting rooms. They don't like lines, so they just try the clothes on out in the store, over their other clothes. I tried this yesterday. It did save a lot of time.

4.) It's not cool to smile, laugh, or make eye contact with other people on the subway. This is really hard for me, because I find the subway hysterical. Yesterday a man hopped on a VERY crowded train at 2nd Avenue and yelled, "Hey everyone, I know a lot of you know me and you know why I'm here! I want your money and your donations for all the people I help! Mexicans, Russians, Bosnians, black people, it don't matter! If you don't have any money but you want to donate food or drinks, put your wallet away and give me that! I promise you it will be gone by midnight! If you're an attractive person and you just want to give me a hug instead, come forward and give me that! Okay, I'm making my way to the back of the train now! Okay, thank you, I will see you all tomorrow night!" And then he hopped off, and within 2 minutes, a radio announcer-type voice came over the intercom saying, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remember that soliciting money in the subway is illegal! Kindly do not give away your money and thereby encourage this behavior. Thank you!" I started to laugh but no one else had even looked up from their books or iPhones, so I shut up.

5.) If you want to go to Shakespeare in the Park in NYC, you need a ticket. It's free, mind you, but you still need a ticket. And the line for the free tickets starts forming a full 14 hours before the show begins. FOURTEEN HOURS!!! I don't understand New York, and I refuse to participate in this madness. But I really want to go to Shakespeare in the Park!

6.) New Yorkers hate Times Square.

7.) The Bronx is still dangerous, despite what the guidebook says. Guidebooks are never going to tell you NOT to go somewhere, which is dumb because how can you trust a guidebook that only tells you the positives?

8.) New Yorkers pretend that Staten Island doesn't exist. Many of them just give you a blank stare when you ask them what is on Staten Island. They genuinely don't know and can't imagine a reason why anyone would go there.

9.) Brooklyn is very disparate in terms of areas... There are really nice houses and brownstones and then nasty graffiti covered cars and buildings everywhere. Brooklynites miss the days when they lived in Manhattan, and Manhattanites never travel to Brooklyn -- although they do acknowledge its existence.

10.) Queens is very family-oriented but dirty. Come to think of it, most of New York is very dirty. I am astonished by the amount of trash covering the streets at all times. Everything smells, too. For a city that fines you if you litter, there is an astonishing amount of litter everywhere! And even in the places where there isn't a lot of litter, there are constantly, CONSTANTLY trash piles festering out on the streets waiting for pickup, whether you're in the Upper East Side or Queens. They really ought to develop a better system for garbage.

11.) New York is obsessed with recycling. I'm sure that's what some of the bags on the streets are full of. A lot of the stores you go to will give you a plastic bag that says, "PLEASE REUSE OR RECYCLE THIS BAG AT A PARTICIPATING STORE!!!"

12.) Bathrooms are a rarity. I feel like I have discovered a priceless gem when I am in the city and I discover a bathroom. Some of them are marked by signs that scream, "THIS BATHROOM IS FOR OUR CUSTOMERS ONLY!!" And some of them have little slots where you have to deposit quarters if you want to use a toilet. Like Slumdog Millionaire, only without the big pile of sh!t down below.

13.) New York homeless people are attractive. They look just like anyone else, except for that they're curled up in the doorways of closed shops. I don't know what to make of this.

14.) New York is a city of extremes. There are lots of ads in the church bulletin for roommates to split the $6,000 a month rent on a 2 bedroom. But you can eat lunch for $1.00 on the street, and get a $20 mani/pedi. I'm wondering where the guys selling the $1 pizza slices are living.

15.) Almost everyone is from somewhere else. Only 3-5% of the population of New York are WASPS.

16.) Unlike other cities, New York does not fine people for feeding the pigeons. This is probably why the pigeons are so ballsy. I have had several pigeons fly straight at my head! I identify myself as an outsider when I start yelling and freaking out while other people don't even glance up.

17.) New York DOES fine people for honking, which I find really interesting. There are signs posted EVERYWHERE that say, "$350 minimum fine for honking" and yet at every single intersection, there are at least 5 cars that honk.

18.) New Yorkers by and large ignore street signs at crosswalks. They are in too much of a hurry to wait for the "Walk" sign, so they walk across whenever they feel like it. I think this may account for the excessive honking.

19.) Pedestrians here are fearless. My heart has flown up to my throat numerous times when a huge bus has nearly collided with a person walking across the street... but the pedestrians don't look up even when the busses are mere inches away! It's like they know if they get hit, they'll win millions in a lawsuit. Hmmmmm.....

Stay tuned for more pearls of wisdom and insight later...