Black

You know how people tell you, "It's always darkest just before dawn"?? Well, right now, it is BLACK in my life, and I want to believe that a dawn is coming, but I sure don't see it. I can't really imagine feeling any lower than I do right now. I have been living in my friends' north county home for the last few months, waiting, waiting, waiting for my perfect apartment to be ready. I first inquired about this apartment in January. It was supposed to be ready in February. And then March. Then April. And May. And June. And then August. And now, here I am and I just found out it's a no-go. And I know what you're thinking, That's ridiculous, you should have seen that coming from a mile away. And you're right, I should have. But I guess I'm naive, because I didn't.

I've been waiting for this particular quasi-rent-controlled apartment in the heart of the city because it's in a small complex comprised of young professionals, and the flat right across from "mine" is inhabited by a girl I went to high school with and really like. There are no other apartments in the vicinity for anywhere close to the price. So I've been living like a homeless person for MONTHS waiting for the current tenant to move out, thinking that surely now that he is married (last month), he would not want to continue paying rent on two places.

And now it's all null and void. My high school friend informed me that it's pointless to keep waiting, the place couldn't possibly be ready by August when I get back from New York. She said she'd been wanting to tell me to find somewhere else for awhile, but felt really bad.

I just feel like such a loser. First, for not seeing that this apartment wasn't a viable solution to my unsettledness. And second, for getting my hopes up. And third, because I feel rejected. And I'm sure that a lot of this is due to the recent re-break-up of me and Derek, and probably some of it is due to recent health problems I've been having. But things just genuinely suck right now, and I don't know how to make them better. I don't even know how to enjoy a summer in NYC, knowing that I've got nothing to come home to, and friends who could be getting stir-crazy having me in their tiny house.

Where is God?