Some Latent Irreverent Thoughts on a Parable

I've never understood the parable of the prodigal son. If you are not familiar with it, I will summarize:

Once there was a man with two sons. The older one was very responsible, always did what he was told, and never caused any problems. The other son was lazy, indolent, and selfish. Rather than waiting for his parents to die to spend all their money, he insisted that the father inventory all assets and give him his "due."

In 2017, we would call this son a millenial. 

So the youngest son takes all his parent's money and squanders it on drugs and prostitutes. When he finally runs out, he hires himself out, because what else is he going to do? Eventually, though, left to rot and starve, he comes to his senses. "I get it. I'm a complete failure. I'll go repent and beg forgiveness. I'll admit that I deserve nothing and I'll ask if I can just live and work as my parent's servant."

The father is so freaking glad to see him that he throws a massive party AND NEGLECTS TO EVEN INVITE THE OLDER SON. Dude hears the ruckus and has to ask a servant what's going on.

When he finds out this huge party is for his selfish, entitled, moronic younger sibling, he kind of freaks out on their dad. "Are you joking with me right now? I've done so much to try to help you out and make your life better. I've watched you wither away mentally and physically after this twatwaffle's behavior. And now you are not only inviting him to live with you, but you are actually celebrating him with what few dollars you have left? NO. THANKS."

The story ends with what I can only think of as biblical bullshit, get ready. "My son...you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

All right. Now here are some questions:

* What the heck is up with that ending? I get that the dad = God and it's supposed to represent rainbows and sunshine whenever a sinner repents. But on the literal level ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME.

* The dad runs out to greet the prodigal son before he knows the kid is even sorry. What's that supposed to mean? Because it looks like parents should be super happy when their fucktard children want to move back into their basement, regardless of whether said fucktards are even sorry. Like, "Oh yay!!!! You've taken my money, my health, my mental sanity, and my relationship with my other children! You may not even be sorry or plan to change at all, but please come move in with me and mooch off of me even more because at least you're alive and that makes me so happy!!"

* What was the siblings' relationship like after all this?

* The older brother gets screwed. I don't care if he "inherits" everything remaining after Dad dies. All the dad's attention and love have already been squandered on Twatwaffle. This is not a question, just an observable fact.

So there you go. That is a bunch of bullshit, my apologies to Jesus who was the original teller of this story. Was this story supposed to have a different literal meaning 2,000 years ago? Because for today, the meaning sucks.