Sticks

Ahhhh, Christmas. A magical time of feasting, merriment, and gift-giving! That is, unless you are from my parents' household, in which case, everyone gets one gift and a stocking. Last year, my mom gave my nephew this as his gift:

That's right. A shoebox full of sticks. My mother isn't senile or anything. She tries to get people things they'll like, and in her grandson's case, he was teething and all he wanted to do was chew sticks. Ergo: box full of sticks. (My sister-in-law loved this gift, btw)

Some people are just natural gift-givers and they always know the perfect thing. In my family, we are not like that. We've just never been big on the presents. I'm sure part of that was because my folks spent all their money putting 4 kids through 12 years each of prep schools and there wasn't a lot left for gifts. But the other part is because we don't like the commercialism of Christmas... we'd rather buy someone a gift in July if it strikes us as being something they'll like. Normal people would then put the gift in the closet and wait for December to roll around, but not us.

You see, we are also TERRIBLE secret keepers.

Elle, the day after Thanksgiving: I GOT YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT! YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT; I'M SO EXCITED!

Lucy: AHHHGH! What is it!?!?

Elle: I can't tell you!!

Lucy: You're my sister! You have to tell me!!!

Elle: Okay!! I had a necklace custom-made for you! It's a silver pendant that says, "Every day, I write my life" and it has a typewriter charm attached to it!

Lucy: OMG, I LOVE IT!!!!

Elle: I can't believe you made me tell you that. You're the worst sister in the world. I hate you.

That is pretty much how every holiday involving gifts goes. And yet, for some reason, we continue to bow to the cultural pressure to buy gifts for each other. And when we do somehow manage to keep the gifts a secret, it's only because they are terrible gifts.

Behold, the solitary gift from my parents this year:

That's right, feast your eyes on this sexy lingerie featuring positions to sleep in with your cat. I almost cried when I opened this. (And not from joy) What makes this gift truly horrifying is the fact that my mom did not give it to me with any sense of irony. My sister had to actually explain why giving a single woman in her 30's a nightshirt full of cats was indelicate. All I could think about was how my co-worker, Hot Andrew, was going to react when I told him about this. Hot Andrew and I met on a dating app many years ago and by sheer dumb luck got hired at the same school, thereby ensuring our eventual friendship. He sees me this way:

...despite the fact that I have only one cat. Andrew always makes fun of how much I love my cat. Every time he asks about Mocha, he says, "It always starts with one, E. Before you know it, you'll have dozens."

It sort of begs the question, if Andrew -- now married and firmly entrenched in the friend zone -- and my parents all see me as Crazy Cat Lady... is that who I'm becoming?? It makes me wonder what the characteristics of a CCL are. This is what I came up with:

* frazzled hair
* frumpy clothes covered in fur
* stays at home with cat instead of going out on dates
* uptight
* feeds cat out of china dishes
* neurotic
* old maid

Now to attack the list point by point.

* Frazzled hair -- Well, sometimes... But I blame that mostly on the fact that I persuaded Jessica to give me a perm this summer. It did not go as planned. Cat lady.
* Frumpy clothes covered in fur -- no. I make a valiant attempt to be fur-free. Not cat lady.
* Stays home with cat instead of going out on dates -- While I do technically still go on dates, I would rather stay at home with my cat. I go on dates because Stratski makes me. But also because it's hard to kill hope.  Not cat lady.
* Uptight -- Ummmmm, yes. I have often been urged to "let my hair down" and drink lots of wine. Cat lady.
* Feeds cat out of china dishes -- Yes. But only because I had these readily available and it seemed wasteful to buy new dishes. Cat lady.
* Neurotic - I mean, do I leave events early to rush home and feed my cat? Yes. But that's because they are boring events. (Damn.) Cat lady.
* Old maid -- Am I an Old Maid? Hmmmm. Stratski recently urged me to put myself "out there" more and show men that I'm interested. I tried this, and do you know what  I was told? "Sorry. I haven't had good luck with older women."

OLDER WOMEN!?!?!?!?!

I'm going to go put on my cat nightgown.