Canoodle.

Sometimes it's very hard having a blog because you want to post funny shit that makes people laugh, but then when it really comes down to it, your life doesn't follow the rules and things happen that are discouraging instead of funny.

I used to think I was lucky.

I've found like a million 4-leaf clovers in my life. My friend Stella used to always make fun of me because anytime we had a fire drill at school and had to take all the kids outside, I could be found staring judiciously at the ground hunting for some good luck.

That's how she got her job in Clayton... She had an interview scheduled, but you basically have to be a Nobel Prize winner to work there. So I combed the area outside her prospective school for 4-leaf clovers (found 2) and then combed our school grounds for them right before her interview (found 1). And there you go. Now she's happy as an (overworked) clam in Clayton.

So you'd think that I could manufacture some stardust for myself, and I really did used to think that I could. I mean, consider: my freshman year at Wheaton, a friend knew I didn't have the money to pay my tuition so her dad offered to cover my 2nd semester. That's a lot of money. Then, my senior year of college, I met this great guy at a Fazoli's and he was like, "Hey, my wife and I have heard a lot about you. We'd like to help you pay off your college loans." They didn't even ask how much money I owed. Just paid it off.

Quite a lot of things in my life seem to have gone that way. But not relationally. No, siree.

In my 20's, people used to be like, "Oh, the pastor you were going to marry decided he didn't love you anymore? That's okay! You're still young, you have plenty of time!"

Now they don't say that. They're like, "Oh, the pastor you thought you were going to marry decided marriage wasn't really for him? That's okay! You look really young for your age, things could still turn around!" (Note: stop dating pastors.) (Double Note: investigate Botox.) (Triple Note: find new friends.)

But it's like, a lot of the people I meet are either socially awkward and I just want to take them under my wing (but not kiss them), or they're really derogatory about their parents/exes/etc. and make me wonder how they'd talk about ME if things didn't work out, or they're 28 and the parents of my students. Or they ARE my students, and that's worse. (Note: teach grad school, not middle school)

And that brings us to this:

...which is pretty much how I've come to view online dating. I think maybe I just completely lucked out with Nick. You already know that I recently got catfished. But then, I don't know, I thought things were starting to turn around.

Gigi and I met people at the same time. They seemed really great. That's where the similarities ended. Because you see, for the last 3 days, I've had to listen through my very thin ceiling as Gigi and Derick laugh and talk and canoodle, and I have to watch them walk around holding hands and being all perfect together. And do you know what they have to watch? Me getting played.

Just kidding. They'd have to actually interact with me to watch that, and they're too busy staring deeply into each other's eyes. So I have to get played with only my insane hairstylist J giving me crap advice that is tantamount to stalking.

Let me tell ya a little something. If someone has an entire house with only like 3 sticks of furniture in it and every other week he goes radio-silent, like nary a text message to even tell you he is alive or thinking of you, that is a great indicator that he is actually married or has a girlfriend and that that home is his bachelor residence where he goes to see, as my students like to say, his side-chick. It seems to be getting more and more common to just outright lie about who you are online.

          
A friend of mine experienced this phenomenon. She met this great guy on OK Cupid. They dated for several months. Then, one day, she went over to his apartment and he'd fallen asleep on his couch, not expecting her to arrive quite so early. To her shock and horror, he was wearing a wedding ring. It turned out that that apartment was where he brought girlfriends, while his full-size house was where he lived with his wife.

My friend was horrified, but the guy refused to be cowed. "My wife is totally okay with me dating. I just knew that you would be uncomfortable with the situation, that's why I didn't tell you I was married."

That's actually my second friend that happened to.

I never thought I'd be someone's side-chick. I feel terribly stupid, and I just don't think I'm cut out for dating in the 21st century. I'm the type of person who believes people when they tell me they like me. And who believes people if they tell me they can't wait to see me but they're busy and out of cell range for long periods of time. I'm apparently the type of person wearing a giant sign that says, "I'm dumb. Treat me badly!"

But at least I look young, right?