Dating Made Simple, Part II

Take Jim, for instance. We met at a popular bookstore/coffee shop, the easier for me to bail when he inevitably ended up being crazy. Also, Lindsay, who looked exactly like me but with dreds and multiple piercings, sat conveniently 1 foot away, pretending not to be associated with me. It was her responsibility to rescue me if my date tried to kidnap me in broad daylight, in a crowded bookstore, in a teeming mall, on a Saturday afternoon (sheltered preacher’s daughters worry about that sort of thing)

.1.) I saw Jim across the crowded bookstore. He was wearing HEAVY jewelry: a MATCHING necklace and bracelet. Not cool guy accessories but looks-like-women's-jewelry-only-much-clunkier stuff. -2 cool points.

2.) Jim approached and shook my hand instead of trying to kiss me like some blind dates were wont to do. +2 cool points.

3.) Even with the distance a handshake allowed for, I could still smell the cologne emanating from every square inch of his body. -2 cool points.

4.) Jim remarked excitedly and repeatedly on my great beauty. Ambivalent -- flattering but weird? 0 points

5.) Jim asked me what I would like to drink so that he could buy me a coffee. +2 cool points.

6.) He was VERY insistent that I try a caramel macchiato, despite my already knowing exactly what they taste like. -2 cool points.

7.) Jim bought me bottled water, solicitously, after I won the caramel macchiato battle. +2 cool points.

8.) After we sat down and began chatting, Jim referred repeatedly to African-Americans as "colored people." -12 points.

9.) Jim then made casual reference to his 9-year-old daughter, whom he had left out in the mall somewhere. -2 points for failing to mention that he had a daughter and -2 more points for reckless abandonment of a 9-year-old.

10.) Jim referred to the fact that he earned $100,000 last year. -2 points for crassness. And -2 more for lying.

11.) Jim talked about his baby mama as "addicted to methamphetamines, so I had to divorce her and now she's living in a trailer in De Soto." -2 points.

12.) Jim then began regaling me with a tale about how on another first date, the woman leveled with him after 10 minutes, saying, "Look I have to be honest with you… I was raped by my stepfather when I was 12 and I have a son by him." Jim's response to this? To tell her he had to go to the bathroom and then jet out of the restaurant... which was a Denny’s. -10 points.... some for telling this story, some for being a terrible person, and some just because he was REALLY starting to annoy me.

13.) At this point in the conversation, Jim asked where I lived, if I lived alone, where I went to church, and if I was the cause of my last relationship’s demise. (All of these things were answered with incredible nebulousness on my part) -50 points.

14.) Jim repeatedly made mention of our future dates, which were apparently a given for him. -2 points.

15.) As I began to panic, Jim showed me the places on his forehead where he used to have screws. -2 points just because that is weird, random, and reminiscent of Frankenstein.

I don't know how many points he eventually ended up in the hole because I started feeling claustrophobic and began looking for escape routes. So when Jim said, "Well, I'd definitely like to see you again!" I did a first for me…

I actually TOLD a guy, face-to-face, right then and there, "You know, it sounds like we are looking for different things right now, so I don't think that's a good idea, but it was so nice to meet you!"

Only days before, I would have felt too badly to be honest. I would have avoided his phone calls until they got increasingly annoying and then emailed him a let-down. But that Elisa had vanished after my date with Jim! My mom had unwittingly cured her of a good deal of passive aggressiveness by insisting on online dating!

After Jim left to find his poor daughter, I gathered my things and, shaking my head, threw my empty bottle of water away. A dude with a Mohawk and lots of piercings looked at me and said,

“It’s tough, huh?”

“You have no idea,” I replied. And then I left to find Lindsay, who hadn’t been able to hear our conversation to her satisfaction, and who had therefore thrown me to the wolves.