I don't like whiskey. Someone or other mentioned taking it for colds, and so I have done. Unfortunately, you don't discover quite how drunk you are until like an hour later. I don't like it one bit. I feel completely useless right now. Can't grade. Can't work out. Can't wrap Christmas presents. Can't do anything except sit here and tell God how sorry I am that I drank so much whiskey. I wonder if mouthwash would have accomplished the same thing? It's supposed to help you get better quicker, and I've had a cold for about a week now.
I saw Dan the other night. Do you know, Dan is the only person on this blog (besides Jared, I guess) who doesn't have a pseudonym? Dan is just Dan. I ran into him at a happy hour some of the girls at church were hosting. I made myself be the bigger person and go up to say "hello." And then I got sucked right in and really enjoyed talking to him (because he's such a winsome person). And then, before I knew it, he was excusing himself back into the crowd and I was cursing myself for not leaving sooner. It would have been just fine if I had made my excuses first. As it was, I was rejected by the same guy AGAIN.
I wish I hadn't seen him. It reminded me what a fantastic guy he is, which, given the circumstances, I really don't need to be reminded of.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Love
The thing I love about getting older is that I bounce back a lot quicker than I used to. Even though I was pretty torn up about breaking up with Dan 2 months ago, I'm pretty over it now. We weren't good together.
I'm glad I dated him, though; really glad, actually. I was intensely attracted to him. Most of the guys that I've been in relationships with, I am forced to admit, I haven't actually been that into on a basic, physical level. I never knew that before. I loved them so much as people that I failed to notice something really primal was missing. But now I actually get what people mean when they say "love at first sight." They mean sexual attraction. Check. I never would have understood what I was missing if I hadn't gone out with Dan.
If only he'd had a personality.
I jest. Kind of. I'm sure Dan had a personality, it just didn't mesh with mine...at all. We'd be walking through the park holding hands, and I would want to talk to him about a million things, but couldn't. I couldn't even think of the million things when I was with him. He wouldn't have understood them, so they hid inside me somewhere and instead I just had nothing to say. It was like that a lot. And when I did finally find one or two of the things I'd like to talk about, he didn't really get them. And I didn't get him. It was really a disappointment, for both of us. I can see that now.
Twenty-five-year-old me would never have expressed these thoughts after only 2 months. She'd probably be taking a bat to his headlights and writing epistles full of angst, which she would inevitably have sent to him (much to her later shame).
So I get all this now, sure. I get that there was a point to me dating him, and that the point was so I could see what was missing from my previous relationships. But if I couldn't find a soulmate when I was just dating guys I loved and respected, why would I suddenly be able to find one now that my list has grown to include "Holy crap!"?
That's why I decided to give up. It is hard sometimes and easier others. But I'm okay with that. I just want to help people and live a good life. I want to get to the end and say, "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith." I want to strengthen others along the way. I think maybe I can live with that, even without a soulmate.
Some days.
I'm glad I dated him, though; really glad, actually. I was intensely attracted to him. Most of the guys that I've been in relationships with, I am forced to admit, I haven't actually been that into on a basic, physical level. I never knew that before. I loved them so much as people that I failed to notice something really primal was missing. But now I actually get what people mean when they say "love at first sight." They mean sexual attraction. Check. I never would have understood what I was missing if I hadn't gone out with Dan.
If only he'd had a personality.
I jest. Kind of. I'm sure Dan had a personality, it just didn't mesh with mine...at all. We'd be walking through the park holding hands, and I would want to talk to him about a million things, but couldn't. I couldn't even think of the million things when I was with him. He wouldn't have understood them, so they hid inside me somewhere and instead I just had nothing to say. It was like that a lot. And when I did finally find one or two of the things I'd like to talk about, he didn't really get them. And I didn't get him. It was really a disappointment, for both of us. I can see that now.
Twenty-five-year-old me would never have expressed these thoughts after only 2 months. She'd probably be taking a bat to his headlights and writing epistles full of angst, which she would inevitably have sent to him (much to her later shame).
So I get all this now, sure. I get that there was a point to me dating him, and that the point was so I could see what was missing from my previous relationships. But if I couldn't find a soulmate when I was just dating guys I loved and respected, why would I suddenly be able to find one now that my list has grown to include "Holy crap!"?
That's why I decided to give up. It is hard sometimes and easier others. But I'm okay with that. I just want to help people and live a good life. I want to get to the end and say, "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith." I want to strengthen others along the way. I think maybe I can live with that, even without a soulmate.
Some days.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Deathday
Tomorrow shouldn't be called my birthday. It should be called my Deathday. Because that is what it feels like. The day my dreams of carving pumpkins with Dan and going to the Art Fair with Dan and watching the Balloon Glow with Dan and biking to the wineries for my birthday with Dan all go up in smoke. Why? Because Dan is a fantastic man, and wouldn't break up with me on my birthday. In fact, he works really hard to hang in there and doesn't give up on people easily. I knew this but I could tell something was really wrong, and that he didn't want to bring it up right before my birthday. So I broke up with him. Then he felt free to say the following: "You are an amazing, incredible woman. You are LITERALLY everything I've prayed for, and to say that I fell head over heels for you would be a big understatement. But you are deep and emotional, and I'm not comfortable with that. I'm a straightforward, call-it-like-I-see-it kind of guy, and I know I would not only make you unhappy in the long run, but I would be forced to act like someone I'm not. I think so highly of you and have nothing but good things to say about you, but it doesn't seem like our personalities really match."
And that was it. I'm really sad now. I held it all together at school until 3 o'clock and then I started bawling my eyes out and I cried out, "Why are You doing this, Lord? I thought You were finally bringing me the right guy!" And then I looked up to see BJ Parkington still sitting at his desk finishing a quiz. FAIL. Deathday fail.
And that was it. I'm really sad now. I held it all together at school until 3 o'clock and then I started bawling my eyes out and I cried out, "Why are You doing this, Lord? I thought You were finally bringing me the right guy!" And then I looked up to see BJ Parkington still sitting at his desk finishing a quiz. FAIL. Deathday fail.
