Love

The thing I love about getting older is that I bounce back a lot quicker than I used to. Even though I was pretty torn up about breaking up with Dan 2 months ago, I'm pretty over it now. We weren't good together.

I'm glad I dated him, though; really glad, actually. I was intensely attracted to him. Most of the guys that I've been in relationships with, I am forced to admit, I haven't actually been that into on a basic, physical level. I never knew that before. I loved them so much as people that I failed to notice something really primal was missing. But now I actually get what people mean when they say "love at first sight." They mean sexual attraction. Check. I never would have understood what I was missing if I hadn't gone out with Dan.

If only he'd had a personality.

I jest. Kind of. I'm sure Dan had a personality, it just didn't mesh with mine...at all. We'd be walking through the park holding hands, and I would want to talk to him about a million things, but couldn't. I couldn't even think of the million things when I was with him. He wouldn't have understood them, so they hid inside me somewhere and instead I just had nothing to say. It was like that a lot. And when I did finally find one or two of the things I'd like to talk about, he didn't really get them. And I didn't get him. It was really a disappointment, for both of us. I can see that now.

Twenty-five-year-old me would never have expressed these thoughts after only 2 months. She'd probably be taking a bat to his headlights and writing epistles full of angst, which she would inevitably have sent to him (much to her later shame).

So I get all this now, sure. I get that there was a point to me dating him, and that the point was so I could see what was missing from my previous relationships. But if I couldn't find a soulmate when I was just dating guys I loved and respected, why would I suddenly be able to find one now that my list has grown to include "Holy crap!"?

That's why I decided to give up. It is hard sometimes and easier others. But I'm okay with that. I just want to help people and live a good life. I want to get to the end and say, "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the course. I have kept the faith." I want to strengthen others along the way. I think maybe I can live with that, even without a soulmate.

Some days.