Tomorrow shouldn't be called my birthday. It should be called my Deathday. Because that is what it feels like. The day my dreams of carving pumpkins with Dan and going to the Art Fair with Dan and watching the Balloon Glow with Dan and biking to the wineries for my birthday with Dan all go up in smoke. Why? Because Dan is a fantastic man, and wouldn't break up with me on my birthday. In fact, he works really hard to hang in there and doesn't give up on people easily. I knew this but I could tell something was really wrong, and that he didn't want to bring it up right before my birthday. So I broke up with him. Then he felt free to say the following: "You are an amazing, incredible woman. You are LITERALLY everything I've prayed for, and to say that I fell head over heels for you would be a big understatement. But you are deep and emotional, and I'm not comfortable with that. I'm a straightforward, call-it-like-I-see-it kind of guy, and I know I would not only make you unhappy in the long run, but I would be forced to act like someone I'm not. I think so highly of you and have nothing but good things to say about you, but it doesn't seem like our personalities really match."
And that was it. I'm really sad now. I held it all together at school until 3 o'clock and then I started bawling my eyes out and I cried out, "Why are You doing this, Lord? I thought You were finally bringing me the right guy!" And then I looked up to see BJ Parkington still sitting at his desk finishing a quiz. FAIL. Deathday fail.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
For Lily
Dear Lily,
You asked me for an update. There isn't much to update. I'm thinking of "registering" at Wal-mart... not for wedding presents or baby shower presents, but for the start of the school year. I know there are a lot of people who would like to help my students by buying them school supplies, so I thought this could be a cool way to tell people what we need. With all the back-to-school sales hitting, supplies will be like 75% off soon.
I leave for Greece Friday. I'm excited, but also restless. Our sister Lucy couldn't understand why I wasn't more thrilled when Nick called me a few weeks ago. Well, I'm not thrilled because he didn't SAY anything. Just shot the breeze and caught up. Haven't heard from him since, except for when I texted him happy birthday. I don't understand why God brought him back into my life if it was just to tease me. Like, "Oh, I know you really care about this person, so I'll remind you that he exists. But he still isn't into you!" That's what it feels like.
I am using this blog to write you this letter, Lily, because I know you read it and no one else (except for Jared) really does. First, I wanted to say that I love you. You were my baby that I tried to raise right. Second, I haven't really told you what I think about things because I didn't want you to get angry or hate me. But that isn't right. So here is what I think:
I let you down. Somewhere along the line, I completely failed you and I don't know how. I think I let you down because of you dropping out of college and getting pregnant and thinking it's okay to live in a van and teach your kid only the things you want him to know; I think I let you down because you've been kicked out of 2 shelters and you've come under the impression that it's okay to take welfare and food stamps and church handouts that other hard-working people had to pay for. And I let you down because you don't seem to have the "drive" to take responsibility for your life and make ends meet on your own, the way our cousin Angela does. She hates her job, but she goes to work every day anyway because she has a son to support, and she knows it is her job -- not anyone else's -- to provide for them.
Now don't get me wrong, Lily. I don't care if you ever wear make-up or get rid of your dreds or vote Republican! You don't have to do any of those things. But you can't just depend on the generosity or guilt of others your whole life to provide for you and your baby. God gave you a capable, healthy body. Use it to work. Is it fun? Maybe not. But it's your God-given right and responsibility.
So I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I don't know what I should have done differently, other than praying for you more. Most of the time I didn't pray for you because it hurt to much to think about, what with you telling me that every single person you know is a meth head or a heroine addict. I'm sorry that I let you down, and I hope that you figure some things out. You'll always be my baby, even if I don't get why you're doing the things that you do.
You asked me for an update. There isn't much to update. I'm thinking of "registering" at Wal-mart... not for wedding presents or baby shower presents, but for the start of the school year. I know there are a lot of people who would like to help my students by buying them school supplies, so I thought this could be a cool way to tell people what we need. With all the back-to-school sales hitting, supplies will be like 75% off soon.
I leave for Greece Friday. I'm excited, but also restless. Our sister Lucy couldn't understand why I wasn't more thrilled when Nick called me a few weeks ago. Well, I'm not thrilled because he didn't SAY anything. Just shot the breeze and caught up. Haven't heard from him since, except for when I texted him happy birthday. I don't understand why God brought him back into my life if it was just to tease me. Like, "Oh, I know you really care about this person, so I'll remind you that he exists. But he still isn't into you!" That's what it feels like.
I am using this blog to write you this letter, Lily, because I know you read it and no one else (except for Jared) really does. First, I wanted to say that I love you. You were my baby that I tried to raise right. Second, I haven't really told you what I think about things because I didn't want you to get angry or hate me. But that isn't right. So here is what I think:
I let you down. Somewhere along the line, I completely failed you and I don't know how. I think I let you down because of you dropping out of college and getting pregnant and thinking it's okay to live in a van and teach your kid only the things you want him to know; I think I let you down because you've been kicked out of 2 shelters and you've come under the impression that it's okay to take welfare and food stamps and church handouts that other hard-working people had to pay for. And I let you down because you don't seem to have the "drive" to take responsibility for your life and make ends meet on your own, the way our cousin Angela does. She hates her job, but she goes to work every day anyway because she has a son to support, and she knows it is her job -- not anyone else's -- to provide for them.
Now don't get me wrong, Lily. I don't care if you ever wear make-up or get rid of your dreds or vote Republican! You don't have to do any of those things. But you can't just depend on the generosity or guilt of others your whole life to provide for you and your baby. God gave you a capable, healthy body. Use it to work. Is it fun? Maybe not. But it's your God-given right and responsibility.
So I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I don't know what I should have done differently, other than praying for you more. Most of the time I didn't pray for you because it hurt to much to think about, what with you telling me that every single person you know is a meth head or a heroine addict. I'm sorry that I let you down, and I hope that you figure some things out. You'll always be my baby, even if I don't get why you're doing the things that you do.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Dear Jared,
You should know that you and my sister Lily are the only people to consistently read my blog. So you don't have to email me every time you want to comment on something I say. You can just leave a comment if you want :) Lily does not judge.
Thanks for the letter! I forgot how exciting it is to receive mail by post... especially in the cramped and disjointed handwriting of a guy, which is like witnessing a blue moon.
I'm proud of you for getting this job. That takes a lot of guts to leave everything you know and go lay it all on the line for an uncertainty. And now you get to make fake movies! Don't forget to make me a star in one of them so I can feel famous.
E-train
Thanks for the letter! I forgot how exciting it is to receive mail by post... especially in the cramped and disjointed handwriting of a guy, which is like witnessing a blue moon.
I'm proud of you for getting this job. That takes a lot of guts to leave everything you know and go lay it all on the line for an uncertainty. And now you get to make fake movies! Don't forget to make me a star in one of them so I can feel famous.
E-train
