I apologize to all my fans for the lack of posts, but Myrtle the Thousand Year Old Computer doesn't let me post more than once a month ;)
To pick up our story where we last left off, I met Brad for drinks at a cafe near work. Brace yourselves.
It was the best first date of my entire life. Sparks. Nonstop conversation. Alcohol induced flirting. It was perfect. In fact, when Christy got home, I ran out into the garage in my pajamas to tell her just how great our date was. There hadn't been any awkward pauses, we liked all the same things... I couldn't have written a better first date.
Then Brad left for Costa Rica at 4 a.m.
And when he came back... nothing.
No, really. He called me and asked me out, and I said -- bubbly and excited -- "Great! What do you have in mind?" It was all downhill from there.
Brad had nothing in mind. He hadn't thought that far in advance, so we ended up going out for happy hour AGAIN after work. The second time, we had zero sparks. No, really. There was nothing there. I tried to ask him about Costa Rica, I tried to ask him about his week... he was a lump on a log. Then he gave me the line about liking to be friends with people before becoming serious.
We can see where this is going, no?
When we walked back to our cars, I barely saw the point in giving him a hug goodbye. I knew I'd seen the last of him!
And I wondered, what is it that causes things that start out so great to just fizzle out? Isn't that supposed to happen 7-12 years into marriage? Surely not on a 2nd date!
So, I was surprised when Brad called me about a week later and asked him out again. But I said yes, absolutely, because -- after all -- anybody can have an off day, and I knew there was potential for chemistry. But I was unwilling to let Brad pick the 3rd date because I was tired of bars at happy hour. So I suggested he teach me how to paint something: a flower, say, or a tree. Brad was very excited. I also invited him to a free happy hour my friend won on a local radio station, and he said he would be there.
Which is why it is all so very odd that Brad called at 10:09 a few nights later and left me a lame voicemail cancelling our date because of "plans with a buddy." And other than an even lamer follow-up text to make sure I'd gotten the lame voicemail, I never heard from Brad again.
But he did just post about a million pictures of himself with a cute blond chick on facebook this evening. Clearly, the buddy.
I just finished a book called Have Him At Hello. In it, a Harvard MBA documents her findings after interviewing over one thousand guys who never called women back for a 2nd or 3rd date. In many cases she spent an hour per man conducting these "Exit Interviews" and finding out what the women could have done differently to get that call-back.
It was things like: don't EVER refer to an ex, even by "my ex" or "we" or "our"
Wear a girly skirt or dress because men like nurterers
Grow your hair out
Don't refer to any kind of an illness, even to say that you beat it and it made you a stronger person
... and other things of that nature. Important to note: the author wasn't trying to make women be someone they're not, but rather to let them PORTRAY the image that won't raise any red flags for men on 1st or 2nd dates so that we'll eventually GET to tell them who we really are.
She gave the example that she consumes about 16 Diet Dr Peppers a day. She once revealed this on a first date, thinking it was cute and funny. But since the guy didn't know her, he just thought it showed an obsessive and weird nature. He told all his friends about Dr Pepper girl and never asked her out again. She said the point is not to change her Dr Pepper habits, but to judiciously not reveal too much information until a guy has had a chance to really see how amazing she is in other areas.
Men, this author said, are LOOKING to eliminate women from their dating pool, not to "find" the right one. They've got literally millions of online profiles at their beck and call and in order to be less overwhelmed, they want to get rid of as many girls as possible, as soon as possible. So when you reveal that you drink an insane amount of carbonated prune juice, the guy thinks, "obsessive and crazy, FINISHED." When you wear sexy jeans instead of a ruffled skirt, he thinks, "sleazeball, FINISHED." Ergo, the goal is to get you to the 5th and 6th and 7th date where your amazing personality comes through and your little quirks and weirdnesses can be put more in perspective.
Too bad I didn't read this book before my 2nd date with Brad.... I'm pretty sure I broke all of them. Well. Here's to the next one.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Nick
I feel I should state, for the record, that I don't really want to be "on the prowl." See, I went to New York a month and a half ago to see a friend. "Friend" meaning someone I'd met online a few years ago and -- despite all the odds -- actually become close to. We'll call him Nick. I didn't know what to expect, but we actually had a really great time together. Or at least I did. Unfortunately, I overestimated Nick's level of interest in me (My roommate remonstrates me constantly on this point). All this time, I thought that the door for "Us" was still open in his mind when, in reality, we were firmly entrenched in the "Just Friends" territory. I think we both felt the connection when I visited, but afterward I wanted to pursue it and he didn't really know what he wanted.
That's what led me back to the dating pool.
It was kind of a desperate measure to shore up my flagging self-esteem.
Also, the soundtrack of my life seemed to be a John Mayer song: "I'm tired of being alone. SO HURRY UP AND GET HERE!!"
But enough of that.
That's what led me back to the dating pool.
It was kind of a desperate measure to shore up my flagging self-esteem.
Also, the soundtrack of my life seemed to be a John Mayer song: "I'm tired of being alone. SO HURRY UP AND GET HERE!!"
But enough of that.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Dating Made Simple, Part II
Take Jim, for instance. We met at a popular bookstore/coffee shop, the easier for me to bail when he inevitably ended up being crazy. Also, Lindsay, who looked exactly like me but with dreds and multiple piercings, sat conveniently 1 foot away, pretending not to be associated with me. It was her responsibility to rescue me if my date tried to kidnap me in broad daylight, in a crowded bookstore, in a teeming mall, on a Saturday afternoon (sheltered preacher’s daughters worry about that sort of thing)
.1.) I saw Jim across the crowded bookstore. He was wearing HEAVY jewelry: a MATCHING necklace and bracelet. Not cool guy accessories but looks-like-women's-jewelry-only-much-clunkier stuff. -2 cool points.
2.) Jim approached and shook my hand instead of trying to kiss me like some blind dates were wont to do. +2 cool points.
3.) Even with the distance a handshake allowed for, I could still smell the cologne emanating from every square inch of his body. -2 cool points.
4.) Jim remarked excitedly and repeatedly on my great beauty. Ambivalent -- flattering but weird? 0 points
5.) Jim asked me what I would like to drink so that he could buy me a coffee. +2 cool points.
6.) He was VERY insistent that I try a caramel macchiato, despite my already knowing exactly what they taste like. -2 cool points.
7.) Jim bought me bottled water, solicitously, after I won the caramel macchiato battle. +2 cool points.
8.) After we sat down and began chatting, Jim referred repeatedly to African-Americans as "colored people." -12 points.
9.) Jim then made casual reference to his 9-year-old daughter, whom he had left out in the mall somewhere. -2 points for failing to mention that he had a daughter and -2 more points for reckless abandonment of a 9-year-old.
10.) Jim referred to the fact that he earned $100,000 last year. -2 points for crassness. And -2 more for lying.
11.) Jim talked about his baby mama as "addicted to methamphetamines, so I had to divorce her and now she's living in a trailer in De Soto." -2 points.
12.) Jim then began regaling me with a tale about how on another first date, the woman leveled with him after 10 minutes, saying, "Look I have to be honest with you… I was raped by my stepfather when I was 12 and I have a son by him." Jim's response to this? To tell her he had to go to the bathroom and then jet out of the restaurant... which was a Denny’s. -10 points.... some for telling this story, some for being a terrible person, and some just because he was REALLY starting to annoy me.
13.) At this point in the conversation, Jim asked where I lived, if I lived alone, where I went to church, and if I was the cause of my last relationship’s demise. (All of these things were answered with incredible nebulousness on my part) -50 points.
14.) Jim repeatedly made mention of our future dates, which were apparently a given for him. -2 points.
15.) As I began to panic, Jim showed me the places on his forehead where he used to have screws. -2 points just because that is weird, random, and reminiscent of Frankenstein.
I don't know how many points he eventually ended up in the hole because I started feeling claustrophobic and began looking for escape routes. So when Jim said, "Well, I'd definitely like to see you again!" I did a first for me…
I actually TOLD a guy, face-to-face, right then and there, "You know, it sounds like we are looking for different things right now, so I don't think that's a good idea, but it was so nice to meet you!"
Only days before, I would have felt too badly to be honest. I would have avoided his phone calls until they got increasingly annoying and then emailed him a let-down. But that Elisa had vanished after my date with Jim! My mom had unwittingly cured her of a good deal of passive aggressiveness by insisting on online dating!
After Jim left to find his poor daughter, I gathered my things and, shaking my head, threw my empty bottle of water away. A dude with a Mohawk and lots of piercings looked at me and said,
“It’s tough, huh?”
“You have no idea,” I replied. And then I left to find Lindsay, who hadn’t been able to hear our conversation to her satisfaction, and who had therefore thrown me to the wolves.
.1.) I saw Jim across the crowded bookstore. He was wearing HEAVY jewelry: a MATCHING necklace and bracelet. Not cool guy accessories but looks-like-women's-jewelry-only-much-clunkier stuff. -2 cool points.
2.) Jim approached and shook my hand instead of trying to kiss me like some blind dates were wont to do. +2 cool points.
3.) Even with the distance a handshake allowed for, I could still smell the cologne emanating from every square inch of his body. -2 cool points.
4.) Jim remarked excitedly and repeatedly on my great beauty. Ambivalent -- flattering but weird? 0 points
5.) Jim asked me what I would like to drink so that he could buy me a coffee. +2 cool points.
6.) He was VERY insistent that I try a caramel macchiato, despite my already knowing exactly what they taste like. -2 cool points.
7.) Jim bought me bottled water, solicitously, after I won the caramel macchiato battle. +2 cool points.
8.) After we sat down and began chatting, Jim referred repeatedly to African-Americans as "colored people." -12 points.
9.) Jim then made casual reference to his 9-year-old daughter, whom he had left out in the mall somewhere. -2 points for failing to mention that he had a daughter and -2 more points for reckless abandonment of a 9-year-old.
10.) Jim referred to the fact that he earned $100,000 last year. -2 points for crassness. And -2 more for lying.
11.) Jim talked about his baby mama as "addicted to methamphetamines, so I had to divorce her and now she's living in a trailer in De Soto." -2 points.
12.) Jim then began regaling me with a tale about how on another first date, the woman leveled with him after 10 minutes, saying, "Look I have to be honest with you… I was raped by my stepfather when I was 12 and I have a son by him." Jim's response to this? To tell her he had to go to the bathroom and then jet out of the restaurant... which was a Denny’s. -10 points.... some for telling this story, some for being a terrible person, and some just because he was REALLY starting to annoy me.
13.) At this point in the conversation, Jim asked where I lived, if I lived alone, where I went to church, and if I was the cause of my last relationship’s demise. (All of these things were answered with incredible nebulousness on my part) -50 points.
14.) Jim repeatedly made mention of our future dates, which were apparently a given for him. -2 points.
15.) As I began to panic, Jim showed me the places on his forehead where he used to have screws. -2 points just because that is weird, random, and reminiscent of Frankenstein.
I don't know how many points he eventually ended up in the hole because I started feeling claustrophobic and began looking for escape routes. So when Jim said, "Well, I'd definitely like to see you again!" I did a first for me…
I actually TOLD a guy, face-to-face, right then and there, "You know, it sounds like we are looking for different things right now, so I don't think that's a good idea, but it was so nice to meet you!"
Only days before, I would have felt too badly to be honest. I would have avoided his phone calls until they got increasingly annoying and then emailed him a let-down. But that Elisa had vanished after my date with Jim! My mom had unwittingly cured her of a good deal of passive aggressiveness by insisting on online dating!
After Jim left to find his poor daughter, I gathered my things and, shaking my head, threw my empty bottle of water away. A dude with a Mohawk and lots of piercings looked at me and said,
“It’s tough, huh?”
“You have no idea,” I replied. And then I left to find Lindsay, who hadn’t been able to hear our conversation to her satisfaction, and who had therefore thrown me to the wolves.
