Men! A Song of Mourning, Part 2

I don't know if I told you, but a girl I knew from high school recently took me aside and informed me that I've been dating gay men.

Yes, that's right.

We ran into each other at a party a few weeks ago and she said, "I feel like I need to watch out for you a bit, you're pretty naive and we did go to high school together. So, as you're going out on dates with guys from church, please be aware that there are a lot of guys in the church we attend who are gay."

"I'm sorry. Are you telling me that I'VE BEEN DATING GAY GUYS!?!?!?"

"Look, I don't want to name any names, okay? But my parents are therapists so they've counseled a lot of men who are struggling with their sexuality. And also... well, I'm really good friends with a lot of guys. So I know... things."

"WHAT KIND OF THINGS!?!?! I don't understand what I'm hearing right now."

"Look, all I'm saying is, I fell in love with a guy in high school and wasted a lot of life on him and he ended up coming out. I don't want that to happen to you. So you need to be aware, as you go out with church guys, that -- because our church teaches that homosexuality is wrong -- a lot of the men who struggle with it are trying to overcome it by pursuing women who go to our church. I don't want you to end up with your heart broken like I did, that's all."

"I've always thought that I'm attracted to men who seem gay. My ex, for instance. I thought he was gay when I met him. He wore really tight t shirts and talked with a bit of a lisp. He worked out a TON and was really close to his mom. Do you think that might be why he pannicked and decided he couldn't marry me?"

"Sounds like it."

"NO, there's just no way. He was a very good kisser."

She looked at me strangely. "That means nothing. They can be excellent kissers and even have sex with girls. That doesn't mean they aren't struggling with homosexuality."

I was numb. If they could sleep with women and enjoy kissing, how on earth was I supposed to tell if someone was gay and I was just a beard??

Charity gave me a sympathetic pat on the arm. "It's better for you to know now and be on your guard, rather than finding out years down the road after you've given your heart away. I think gay men tend to gravitate toward girls like us... we're both very artsy and dramatic and love singing and dancing and that sort of thing. You just want to be careful."

Careful! Hah! Careful is the understatement of the century. Since speaking with Charity all those weeks ago, I have been consumed with suspicion regarding ANY guy who even speaks to me, much less asks me out. And according to all the googling I've done, even the most unsuspecting guys can be gay, the ones with the manliest demeanors and the most committed girlfriends.

I told a friend who works at the store with me about my disturbing discovery and she said, "Oh yeah, I know! At X University, there's a massive underground gay population. My friend is a part of it. There are apparently tons and tons of guys in relationships with girls at school, but then they all sneak out at night and meet up with each other to... you know... have fun."

"And these guys all have girlfriends?"

"Well, there are LOTS of guys, so not all. But many of them do. They're not ready to come out yet, though, so their girlfriends have no idea. My friend even told me one of the guys is getting ready to propose to his girlfriend."

"That is so messed up," I muttered. As if it wasn't hard enough for me to find a decent guy among the unmarried men of my aquaintance, now I have to worry about finding one who isn't in deep denial about his sexuality, as well.

But I kind of do hope that Max was gay.

Men! A Song of Mourning, Part 1

I told my friend Sam that I was rooting for this guy (Frank Schwartz) to win The Bachelorette this season. The reasons are three-fold: 1.) I like Frank. 2.) Ali likes Frank. 3.) Frank looks like Samantha's fiance, Dan, who was my best guy friend in high school.

I never, EVER watch reality tv. It makes me too nervous. In reality, people screw up and act like morons and forget the words to their songs. I don't want to watch someone else's embarassment on national tv! It's embarassing enough just hearing the commentary on the radio the next day.

However, Laura loves The Bachelorette so I grudgingly watched the episode she tivo'd last week. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm hooked now, but it was certainly interesting. For one thing, because it was all so contrived and fake. In what world do you fall in love with someone after one date!? And also, Wake up, Ali! These are GUYS! They're competitive by nature. They would be saying you're the girl of their dreams even if you looked like Mr. Ed.

Despite my yelling at the tv and rampant annoyance with Ali, I succumbed to Frank's charms. He just looked SO much like Danny! It was hard to hate him, so I chose him as my favorite and urged Ali to give him a rose, keeping him "safe" on the show for another week. Luckily, Ali was as taken with Frank as I was. There was much kissing and canoodling and Frank said, "It's going to be really hard for me to see you going out with all these other guys after this. I feel so close to you and like you're my girlfriend already."

Okay, a little creepy, but maybe it was just a super good first date and he was talking about where he saw it going.

That's why it was so disturbing to open up People magazine last night at the grocery store and see that Frank has been lying to Ali (and ME!!!) and that he has a girlfriend back home.

A-hole!!!!! What is wrong with you!? What is wrong with all men!? The guys who seem to good to be true are really in love with someone else. The guys who aren't in love with someone else lack the stones to even ask a girl out. And all the other guys are gay.

And Then There Were None

I apologize to all my fans for the lack of posts, but Myrtle the Thousand Year Old Computer doesn't let me post more than once a month ;)

To pick up our story where we last left off, I met Brad for drinks at a cafe near work. Brace yourselves.

It was the best first date of my entire life. Sparks. Nonstop conversation. Alcohol induced flirting. It was perfect. In fact, when Christy got home, I ran out into the garage in my pajamas to tell her just how great our date was. There hadn't been any awkward pauses, we liked all the same things... I couldn't have written a better first date.

Then Brad left for Costa Rica at 4 a.m.

And when he came back... nothing.

No, really. He called me and asked me out, and I said -- bubbly and excited -- "Great! What do you have in mind?" It was all downhill from there.

Brad had nothing in mind. He hadn't thought that far in advance, so we ended up going out for happy hour AGAIN after work. The second time, we had zero sparks. No, really. There was nothing there. I tried to ask him about Costa Rica, I tried to ask him about his week... he was a lump on a log. Then he gave me the line about liking to be friends with people before becoming serious.

We can see where this is going, no?

When we walked back to our cars, I barely saw the point in giving him a hug goodbye. I knew I'd seen the last of him!

And I wondered, what is it that causes things that start out so great to just fizzle out? Isn't that supposed to happen 7-12 years into marriage? Surely not on a 2nd date!

So, I was surprised when Brad called me about a week later and asked him out again. But I said yes, absolutely, because -- after all -- anybody can have an off day, and I knew there was potential for chemistry. But I was unwilling to let Brad pick the 3rd date because I was tired of bars at happy hour. So I suggested he teach me how to paint something: a flower, say, or a tree. Brad was very excited. I also invited him to a free happy hour my friend won on a local radio station, and he said he would be there.

Which is why it is all so very odd that Brad called at 10:09 a few nights later and left me a lame voicemail cancelling our date because of "plans with a buddy." And other than an even lamer follow-up text to make sure I'd gotten the lame voicemail, I never heard from Brad again.

But he did just post about a million pictures of himself with a cute blond chick on facebook this evening. Clearly, the buddy.

I just finished a book called Have Him At Hello. In it, a Harvard MBA documents her findings after interviewing over one thousand guys who never called women back for a 2nd or 3rd date. In many cases she spent an hour per man conducting these "Exit Interviews" and finding out what the women could have done differently to get that call-back.

It was things like: don't EVER refer to an ex, even by "my ex" or "we" or "our"
Wear a girly skirt or dress because men like nurterers
Grow your hair out
Don't refer to any kind of an illness, even to say that you beat it and it made you a stronger person

... and other things of that nature. Important to note: the author wasn't trying to make women be someone they're not, but rather to let them PORTRAY the image that won't raise any red flags for men on 1st or 2nd dates so that we'll eventually GET to tell them who we really are.

She gave the example that she consumes about 16 Diet Dr Peppers a day. She once revealed this on a first date, thinking it was cute and funny. But since the guy didn't know her, he just thought it showed an obsessive and weird nature. He told all his friends about Dr Pepper girl and never asked her out again. She said the point is not to change her Dr Pepper habits, but to judiciously not reveal too much information until a guy has had a chance to really see how amazing she is in other areas.

Men, this author said, are LOOKING to eliminate women from their dating pool, not to "find" the right one. They've got literally millions of online profiles at their beck and call and in order to be less overwhelmed, they want to get rid of as many girls as possible, as soon as possible. So when you reveal that you drink an insane amount of carbonated prune juice, the guy thinks, "obsessive and crazy, FINISHED." When you wear sexy jeans instead of a ruffled skirt, he thinks, "sleazeball, FINISHED." Ergo, the goal is to get you to the 5th and 6th and 7th date where your amazing personality comes through and your little quirks and weirdnesses can be put more in perspective.

Too bad I didn't read this book before my 2nd date with Brad.... I'm pretty sure I broke all of them. Well. Here's to the next one.