The 7th limb of yoga is Dhyana. It's basically meditation, to hold oneself present in a given moment.
Start time: 8:00 pm
8:00 I shouldn't have eaten all those fruit snacks, I can feel them in my teeth. I wonder if I'm getting cavities. FOCUS! THINK OF THOUGHTS LIKE A LEAF FLOATING BY IN A RIVER! I think autumn is on the way, I've definitely seen several leaves falling already. I wonder if it was stupid to put mulch down on my plants because now it's just all going to get covered with leaves.
8:01 At least mulch isn't expensive. I cannot believe the yard waste people won't collect mulch, though. It's got to be the most biodegradable thing in the world. FOCUS!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THINK OF THOUGHTS LIKE CLOUDS AND WATCH THEM PASS BY!
8:02 I am clearing my mind. I am sitting in a state of being. I wonder when my ankle will feel better enough to go back to the yoga studio? I wonder if I will re-injure myself if I try to take a class. Your ankles are pretty flexed in down-dog, I bet that could hurt. I wonder if I'll end up like Sarah and not be able to practice for months!
8:03 Man, I am having a lot of thoughts. In that Dan Harris book on meditation, he said that meditating makes him 10% happier. I feel like this would be a lot easier if it made me at least 15% happier, though. Of course, a hummingbird flew right up to his face and stared at him while he was meditating once. Maybe if I sat outside, a hummingbird would zoom right up to MY face! I wonder how many more weeks they will be here before they start migrating back south?
8:04 OMG, I forgot to put new food in the hummingbird feeder. They hate it when it gets cloudy. I was going to do that yesterday but then I got sidetracked. I always do it when I mow the lawn, but I can't mow the lawn because it's raining. Shoot, I forgot to charge my lawnmower batteries. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO MEDITATE!?!?!?!
8:05 Okay, I am ridding myself of paradigms and lenses and thoughts. The true self is sitting here in a state of being and --
BELL RINGS TO END MEDITATION
That's where I'm at.
I'm trying to meditate because even if it only makes me 10% happier, that's still 10% better than where I'm currently at.
Right now, I am not happy. My new job is incredibly demanding. My yoga practice has been on hiatus due to an injury. And this happened:
I met a guy who seemed to totally "get" me. Things just felt easy and natural. Then, he admitted that the thought of being with me was literally giving him panic attacks. That's not something you want to hear, blog world.
I broke every rule in my rulebook and agreed to be friends. Maybe just getting to know each other as friends is actually healthier at this point.
I would check in periodically -- he would say that he felt dead inside, that literally the only things he had time to do were fight his ongoing custody battle, try to save his business from financial ruin, and attempt to see his daughter. And that he missed me.
I know what you're thinking -- how did I not see through all this? I don't know. I think it's so rare that I actually feel connected to someone on a whole lot of levels, and I was trying so hard to not see things in black and white, to remain open to what the universe offered... that I just missed all the signs.
On Saturday, I was out with friends. J and A were in the middle of recounting the horrors of online dating when the fact that I had completely tuned both of them out finally registered. Both guys followed my line of sight: there, sitting across from a young woman at an expensive restaurant in the CWE was R -- the guy who'd told me he hadn't been able to even pay himself in 2 months and had no time for anything other than trying to hold his life together. There he was, laughing and chatting on what was very clearly a first date.
"Don't make a scene. Don't make a scene," J-Mo begged me. As if I had ANY interest at all in making a scene!!
"It's not worth it," said A.
I excused myself to go sit in my car and scream. Then I drove home while R. continued unknowingly along on his date.
I always blame myself in these kinds of situations. How could I have been so naive? How could I have been stupid enough to fall for the ole' "Can we be friends and keep talking?" trick? How could I have not seen through the "I'm so busy" schtick? Of course he was dating.
I never understand this about men. I've told a dozen or more guys, "I've really enjoyed getting to know you and the time we spent together, but I don't think we have quite the right connection to pursue things further. I hope you find everything you're looking for!"
It's really not that hard. You just do it.
Men seem to have this insatiable need to think of themselves as "good guys." It's the only reason I can think of why they are all so hell-bent on "can we still be friends?" If you're still friends with a woman you dated, that means you can't have treated her badly! Otherwise, she'd refuse to be your friend! The fact that she's your friend means you are a Good Guy! No self-reflection necessary.
For women, at least for me, the impetus is so strong to pathologize ourselves. What did I do wrong? Why wasn't I enough? What is it about me that constantly causes men to label me beautiful, intelligent, and empathetic -- but not someone they want to be with?
My mom used to tell me that if people really knew me, they wouldn't like me. She said that she knew me better than anyone else, even myself, and that my friends and their folks wouldn't like me if they knew the real me.
I guess I always go back to that in situations like this. Like, is this why R. ended things? Because the more he got to know me, the less likable I was? Maybe.
One of the limbs of yoga is meditation, but every time I meditate, I wonder how long it will be before I become 10% happier. I wonder if I can survive long enough to become 10% happier. I wonder how long it will be until the next person gets to know the real me and then how I'll pull through that.
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