Samskara - Groove

 

Here is a confession: I dislike one of my yoga textbooks so much that I decided the only thing to be done would be to read the entire thing as quickly as possible, so as not to drag out the misery for another 6 months as homework is assigned incrementally.

I love books, but this one is making me feel dumb. I don't get it. There's only so much of "Let your eyes blossom like flowers" that I can handle. I keep falling asleep while reading, which I feel is the opposite of eye-blossoming.

So because I'm a couple hundred pages further than everyone else, I've already gotten to the part on samskara. (For those who are interested, B. K. S. Iyengar includes a multi-page conversation between the mind, the memory, and the intelligence about vanilla ice cream. You read that correctly.)

(look at his eyes blossoming like flowers)

Samskaras are grooves or patterns into which our minds fall. These contribute to our overall patterns of behavior. For a long time now, my pattern has been to think of myself as a secondary school English teacher. I am stuck in this pattern and limited by the choices it affords.

People suggest things like, “Quit teaching and become a tutor full time!” 

I find myself thinking, “Oh, I see you are forgetting I need insurance for the $20,000+ in face shots I need annually.” - samskara

(how I'm supposed to look)

(how I look without shots now)

Or they say, “Quit your job and move to Europe!”

And I find myself thinking, “I see you do not understand the process of moving to a new country without a work visa.” 

And also, “Face shots.” - samskara

Or they say, “Use your international certification to teach English overseas!”

Italy offered the equivalent of $26,000 annually (room and board not included) and a 2-year commitment. Even if you could somehow live off your savings (which I do not have, thank you Fort Zumwalt) for a year, you're committed to making $26K for a whole other year! - samskara

Portugal was like, “It's great here! We pay $36,000 and don’t forget that our tax rate is 40%!” - samskara

Switzerland wanted to be sure I understood the job would be lonely and isolating, as the school was in a remote location and the sessions 6 days per week, so travel would be difficult, if not impossible. - samskara

I know there are people who do this, of course. There are lots of people who find ways to make things like this work, who thrive off of change and uncertainty.

I am not one of those people. You know what I thrive off of?

Safety.

Stability.

Stability is probably my #1 core value. When you are raised by someone with a personality disorder, you place a premium on safety and stability.

Nonetheless, all this yoga homework has made me realize that my job title is my samskara. What if the fact that I love books DOESN’T mean that I should be an English teacher?

“You made a chart, didn’t you?” said Lucy the other morning over coffee.

I gave her the stink eye.

“I knew it. You made a color-coded chart to determine which life path you should take.”

Lucy’s dumb. I didn’t make a chart. 

(Lucy is on my right)

Yet.

I wrote this blog. How important is it that I...

* teach English?

* teach high school?

* make a livable wage?

* could I teach social studies happily?

* work in a more diverse and inclusive environment where my values fit better?

                Questions I run up against:

Would I rather teach high school or make a livable wage?

Would I rather make a livable wage or teach English? 

Would I rather teach at a place that aligns with my values or teach high school?

Would I rather teach English or teach at a place that aligns with my values?

The problem is that I do not know the answers to all these questions. It's a crap shoot. While I'm pretty sure that my primary objective has shifted to earning enough money to support myself on just one job, I don't know what I'm willing to sacrifice to secure a teaching position that would allow me to just teach: 

* English (which I love)

* Values (which make it easier to integrate)

or

* High school (which I've been angling at for years)

I am in the middle of a stint of about 40 hours of yoga in 21 days. I have bruises and aches that I don't even know how I got. But part of teacher training is also sitting in discomfort. And let me tell you, I am deeply uncomfortable.

I’m too tired to think straight, and with every interview I go on and DON’T get, I sink further and further into depression. — Samskara