About three years ago (?) I visited a yoga studio for the first time with a neighbor. I knew nothing about yoga. I didn't know what downward dog was, I didn't even know you can't wear socks while practicing (and I didn't know you "practice" yoga, you don't "do" yoga). I didn't know yoga was a silent activity, so I tried to interact with the teachers, too. That was fun, hopefully for everyone.
What I love about yoga is that it held me when nothing else did. It was a dark time in my life, and I was lucky enough to have stumbled into an independent, female-owned studio that employed beautiful, badass, spiritual instructors. I will never forget the time I wanted so badly to return to class, but my neighbor couldn't go. I must have circled the block 3 times, talking myself into, and then out of, and then back into attending. Showing up for myself on that mat in that place was one of the bravest things I've ever done...even when I fell out of a pose and somersaulted into a potted palm.
Since then, my mat is where I return when Life gets hard or confusing or overwhelming. I learned growing up that yoga is dangerous, that eastern philosophy is Satanic and can destroy you if you "let it in." But I also knew that the belief system I'd grown up with was destroying me, my friends, and my country. Nothing made sense anymore. All the people I'd known who donated hundreds or thousands of dollars to "missions" in developing countries were the same people who made subtly racist or homophobic comments when no one else was around or who voted for people who wanted to keep America "American."
I know I'd been questioning inconsistencies in Christianity for years, but it was extremely painful watching the people I'd known and loved most of my life do things, say things, vote things that were so diametrically opposed to the tenets of the very faith they'd taught me. I didn't want any part of that. I suddenly saw what the rest of "the world" saw when they looked at Christians. It was ugly. It was so, so ugly.
Let me be very clear that I am speaking about American Christianity. I believe American Christianity is a particularly toxic cocktail of self-indulgence, rampant capitalism, and the desire to protect "me and mine" to the detriment and exclusion of others. American Christianity has been so deviously enmeshed with politics and the American Dream that Christians feel quite confident in voting for policies that will ensure their wealth is passed on to their offspring, and as long as that happens, to hell with the disenfranchised within our borders. To hell with the people in North St. Louis. To hell with the 4 million people in prison. To hell with the undocumented immigrants who should just get documented, goddammit. But oh hey, let me mail off this check to an orphanage in Guatemala. It's hypocrisy of the worst kind.
Into that mess stepped yoga.
I often see things in black-and-white, courtesy of being raised in a Borderline household, and of being an Enneagram 1. But I'll never forget the first time those 3 years ago that a Bluebird instructor said, "As you practice tonight, I invite you to acknowledge both the darkness and the light, not preferring one over the other." That was mind-boggling. WHAT? The darkness is sin. And the lightness is righteousness. I'm supposed to hate the sinful parts of me and love the righteous. It's all right there in black and white. Isn't it?!!
It's black and white in yoga too. But it's also grey, and for a long, long time, I wasn't allowed to or capable of seeing gray. So when Ellen -- studio owner -- said, "Embrace the darkness and the light, not preferring one over the other," my mind blew into a million pieces, and I didn't hear anything else the rest of the class.
Yoga allows us to Be. It invites us to notice and observe, but not over-identify with. It's a lot like mindfulness in that regard. I notice when my heels are not the widest part of my body. I notice when I am clenching. I notice when I need to strengthen my kneecaps. I notice when I need to scissor my legs together, and when I need to press down equally through the four corners of my feet, and when I need to curl in the upper part of my back. And then I do the things.
Yoga also invites us to withhold judgment. American Christianity specializes in judgment. It judges the weak and poor and destitute as "unwilling to work." It judges women as "too slutty" or "too brazen." It judges men as "too effeminate" or "too weak" and immigrants as "not trying hard enough." It sentences black men to prison for five years for pot possession (don’t argue with me, I’ve met them) but doesn't bat an eye at white men for the same offense. Why? Because poor white men can smoke in their mom's basement. And mom can afford to hire an attorney if her son gets caught. And yet American Christianity is unwilling to acknowledge these systemic issues. Why? Because they don't affect ME. Jesus said to go out into all the world to spread the gospel, and my check to the orphanage in Guatemala covers that, thank you very much. Now if you will excuse me, I have Snickerdoodles to bake for my Bible study!
In case you can't tell, Enneagram 1's thrive on outrage. I consider this both a gift and a moral failing. But here is a thing I have noticed through yoga: it invites us to greet ourselves as we are and not as we think we should be. Yoga asks the questions: Where can I strengthen? Where can I soften? Can I do both, and?
I'm not sure American Christianity ever asked me that.
Most of the time, I am quintessentially disappointed in myself for not Making More Progress! For not Being More Secure! But yoga says, "You are enough, just where you are. Whether you can do the splits (questionable). Whether you can do a handstand (not anymore). Whether you can balance on one foot (some days). Yoga says, "Here is where you are. Be here now."
(It doesn't even care that this isn't a real pose. It's like "Hey, good try at that Sage pose!!")
Ostensibly, Christianity accepts flawed people, too. But there always seem to be caveats. As long as you stay out of prison. As long as you respect authority. As long as you Back the Blue. As long as you obey your pastors. As long as you don't cost ME too many tax dollars. Yoga says, "Accept yourself as you are, not as you think you should be. Accept yourself. Accept yourself. Accept yourself."
I hope that one day, it will enable be to accept the flaws in American Christians, too 💙
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