The Princess And The Frogs: This is why you don't do online dating.

About 15 months ago -- January 18, 2019, actually -- I was on the dating app Bumble. I don't remember why exactly I "swiped right" on John, but the app then smashes your profiles together and says, "You're a match!!!!!!!" They probably don't actually use that many exclamation points, but in my head, it feels like they're yelling at me to DO SOMETHING with this information.

Women have to make the first move on that app, so I said hi, or something equally as scintillating.

John replied in a message I read at 5 a.m. the next morning. He alluded to the fact that we actually had already met, via his friend, my high school boyfriend Kurt (I would post a picture of Kurt here, but my high school photo album was destroyed. And also he would hate that).

I immediately "unmatched" from John, thereby cutting off any way he had of contacting me. You see, in high school, I was crazy about Kurt, but I was far less crazy about this older guy who seemed to be always hanging around him. John was 5 years older than us, and that's the difference between kids in high school and a guy already out of college. I thought it was weird at the time, and even beyond that, he rubbed me the wrong way.

On January 19, 2019, John found me on Facebook and messaged me there to say he'd been looking forward to continuing our conversation.

I felt guilty for being rude (thank you, Society), so I apologized for "unmatching" without an explanation. I didn't want to say, "I found you obnoxious many years ago" so I typed the first thing that came to mind... I told him Kurt had been really important to me (which was true), and that I had no desire to start up something with one of his friends. Then I added that we'd really gotten under each other's skin back then anyway. I finished this off by saying that I hoped he found the perfect gal.

John replied that he didn't really like himself back then either. Then he said, "I'll stop now, but should you ever want to grab coffee..."

I said, "Thank you." I did not allude to the coffee. I hoped that would be the end of it.

On March 19, 2019, I got more messages from John. He could not let it go. He found the list I put out every year of the dozens of books I'd read in the previous year, along with my reviews. He bought some of them. He thought it would be nice to discuss them. I did not reply. In fact, I blocked John from contacting me further on Facebook.

Months later, I received an email from John. I have no record of the email because it freaked me out that he'd somehow gotten my email address, and I deleted it immediately. I think it again alluded to books and coffee. I told my Dad about it because it shook me up.

On March 28, 2020, my father texted me to tell me that John had texted HIM to say he wanted to connect with me but didn't know how to reach me. I don't know how he got my dad's phone number. I assume it was from a mutual friend. Dad forwarded me the phone number, along with "I seem to recall you not being interested in this guy." (Thanks, Pop.)

At this point, I feel like I've made myself pretty clear:

* unmatching on Bumble
* blocking on Facebook
* not replying to email
* not calling when given the phone number

The night of April 3, 2020, John showed up on my doorstep. I had never given him my address or any other contact information.

I heard a knock on the door. I ran downstairs, thinking it was a neighbor coming to bring Graysee back. She's an indoor/outdoor cat and rules the neighborhood, but occasionally neighbors who have not yet met her will look at the address on her tags and bring her back, saying, "Our back door was open, and this cat walked right in. She yours?"

The guy on my porch said, "I brought your cat back."

I laughed and said thanks, without looking at his face.

He kept standing there and then said, "Also, you have an Amazon package."

I thought that was an odd thing to say, and I glanced at his face. I became very still, and said, "Why are you here?"

"I just brought your cat back and, you know, wanted to see what you're up to..."

"I'm wondering why you are standing on my porch right now."

He shook his head and said, "Just bringing your cat back," as I slammed the door shut.

I panicked. I locked all my doors and closed all my blinds.

The ONE TIME I saw Kurt in the last 15 years, he told me to be careful about my digital footprint! (He's in tech now). How massive must my footprint be, I thought, if this lunatic figured out I have a gray cat who wanders around my neighborhood?

I did a frantic web search for John, and to my horror, found that he lives only 3 1/2 blocks away from me. I started melting down, unsure of whether I should be freaked out that I might have a stalker, or that I was rude to a neighbor (thanks again, Society!).

I couldn't call the police. I'd deleted John's email. And my dad is 74, God love him... he has no memory of this guy first contacting him. Of course, the Bumble messages are gone too. What was I going to tell the police? "A neighbor brought my cat back, and I didn't like it!"

So that leaves us here, with this document, telling you to the best of my memory what occurred. Maybe it's nothing. But maybe it's something. And I just think that this is why the older generation always warned us against online dating.

UPDATE: On September 8, I received a text message from an unknown number. It read: This is John XXXXX. Kurt forwarded me your snail mail message. I'm not stalking you. Sorry for the awkward interaction months ago on your porch. Kurt told me you lived on Jackson and I regularly walk that street and saw you and thought to stop by. I wasn't prepared for what happened. Again... I'm sorry.

I responded on September 9: Kurt's betrayal at giving both my words and my phone number to someone he knew I was afraid of is truly breathtaking. Both of you, do not contact me or my family again.

UPDATE 07/26/23: He came across my profile on Bumble again and messaged me. Maybe a month ago?