Kiss Kiss

There is no gentle way that I know of to tell someone "Damn bro, you kiss real bad! What's that even about?"

This is a quote from an article I recently read. Which I looked up. After one of the worst kisses of my life.

It all started because I began dating this guy a few weeks ago. I didn't feel any chemistry, but I figured, he's the type of guy I would feel chemistry with if I didn't constantly have a voice in my head shouting, "FEEL THE CHEMISTRY!! DO IT!! FEEL IT NOW, DAMMIT!!!" So maybe I should give things a chance. After all, we had many things in common: oldest of four, grew up in very religious households, both love gardening, etc, etc.

I teach with a super salty Indian woman at school. Between the two of us and our withering sarcasm, 8th graders don't stand a chance. But recently Prisha looked at me askance and said, "I don't understand why you have to feel the chemistry? In India, we marry someone that is a good person and becomes our friend."

Really, feeling wildly attracted to someone is kind of an American construct. And let's face it, I've gone out with guys before that I have lots of chemistry with right from the start and that has gone horribly awry more often than not. Or I've gone out with someone who seems great but it takes them -- and I'm not even kidding you here -- two years to ask me out again, and then their car gets stolen or they have a bad month, or they just cannot make up their effing mind to actually follow-through with me. So why not go out with a genuinely decent person and see if something develops?

I mean really, what else am I doing? Organizing my sock drawer? Yes. That is literally exactly what I am doing.

This is all fine and good except for I have a tendency to self-sabatoge. A conversation with me goes like this:

Guy (we'll call him Ted Kennedy because Nugget and I decided this name was fitting): Hey, how was your day? Woah....you don't look so good. What is wrong?

Me: WHAT IS WRONG IS THAT WE LIVE IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS!!!! YOU ARE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WENT TO YALE AND HAS A PHD AND WHOSE DAD RUNS FOR GOVERNOR AND WHO DINES AT THE PLAZA AND GOES DANCING AT THE RITZ ON A REGULAR BASIS!! AND I AM A PERSON WHO WORKS AT THE PLAZA FOR TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR AND EATS CHINESE FOOD AND PLAYS SCRABBLE FOR FUN!!!

Ted: ...We don't have to go dancing at the Ritz. I drove all over the city to find you a Scrabble board today. We can play that instead.

Me: ......Oh..... Okay. Gosh, you're really nice.

My sister has taken to writing missives like this on her calendar:

"Text Lizard to make sure she doesn't sabotage date"

I'm not sure it's helping.

But I figured, okay. I'm terribly awkward in some ways. I didn't start dating until my mid-twenties (and neither did he, which makes us pretty perfect for each other). Sometimes I just have to really kiss someone and then after that everything is smooth sailing and the chemistry is just fine. Maybe that was the problem here. Too many awkward pecks goodnight when what was needed was something more drastic.

Well we tried the more drastic smooching last night and that was a legit disaster. A DISASTER, I TELL YOU! I literally almost started laughing my ass off because it was the most awkward experience in the history of kissing.

And because the most recent guy to cross my social media path was none other than Garrett, the last guy I'd really kissed, and also because this was something I didn't really feel like I could ask my brother about, I messaged Garrett: "I just had a terrible kissing experience. From a guy perspective, is there any coming back from this? What should I do?"

Garrett: Bad kisser means bad elsewhere. Is he a virgin?

Me: OMG. I have no idea, not everyone asks that on a second date like you do! GEEZ!

Garrett: Well, you're going to have to teach him then.

But later it occurred to me: maybe I'M the bad kisser!! Maybe he is perfectly normal and the reason I am not in a relationship is because I am actually terrible in the physical department!!! I contacted Garrett again for feedback, but he has not gotten back to me yet. I assume this is because he is out man-whoring around, which is something I am okay with now that we are not dating.

In any case, I decided to google "what to do if I'm dating a bad kisser." The information is really split, but the comments are fantastic. Observe:

I mean, people get worked up about dating a bad kisser! So like I said, the results of all my research were pretty inconclusive. Some people said chemistry and rhythm take time. Some people said ditch that guy immediately. Some people said never under any circumstances tell the person they're lacking in this area. Others were like this:

Still other sources said, "Listen, he's gotten this far in life kissing like this. Someone taught him that this is what she likes and he now thinks this is normal. You gotta fix that."

I don't know. Nugget says I should just be myself and say, "Dude. Stop tryna eat my face like it's a burrito."

I mean, I guess if that doesn't work (and I legit might try it, because at this point, what have I got to lose?) then maybe I'll go with this...