The Book of Facts

At Persimmon, we not only sell candles and celebrity sightings, but we also keep a Book of Facts. I started the fact-keeping book during one of our downtimes (which is basically any time that is not October-December). Our boss gave us all these notebooks with the *actual* name of our store embossed on the cover for Christmas last year. No one knew what to do with them, so I threw mine in my car where it has stayed for the last 11 months; Ashley stuck a bunch of business cards in hers and promptly forgot where she left it; and Shirley left hers in the drawer at the boutique.

That is where I found it and turned it into the Book of Facts. The Book of Facts is a large, numbered list we keep of all the random bits of trivia that we -- the peons of Persimmon -- have learned during our tenure with the store. Please note that these factoids are entirely haphazard and do not necessarily have anything to do with the work we do. They are just things that we wondered one day and decided to Google, or else learned from a customer. Facts include:

* 73% of third marriages end in divorce (I looked this up after one too many customers asked me about Khloe and the Real Housewives)

* You can pollinate your own airplants with a paintbrush and make a whole new sub-species (we learned this from a customer)

* Julia Roberts is 5'9'' (no one really remembers why we looked this up)

* 100 icelandic krona = about 1 US dollar (we learned this after Rachel's trip to Iceland)

* If there is a pine tree planted near your hydrangeas, that will acidify the soil enough to turn them blue (when we were trying to figure out why half of mine were purple and half were pink)

We are up to about a hundred facts now. But the point of this blog post is the fact that was added most recently, courtesy of an article that Nugget read.

We are living in the Worst City for Online Dating.  In case the link didn't work, here's a screenshot of the proof: 

So that's awesome. But on the other hand, it does kind of explain a lot. For example, WHYYYYYY do so many men find it necessary to a) take bathroom selfies, and/or b) attach the bathroom selfies in an opening email to a woman?!?! And some just offer 'em loud and proud as their first picture. Observe:

And that's just the OBVIOUS ick-factor. I've gotten emails where the opening line is "Do you cook?" or "Hey baby," followed by whatever pictures the guy feels like attaching. Such as these, with which he obviously took a lot of trouble to highlight his various interests:

I mean, I guess he did take the trouble to change his shorts to show off his abs in a different light? But this guy's opening line to me was "How much do you work out?"

To which my entire email reply consisted of: "Never."

But lest you think I'm exaggerating, it gets worse. There are also men in this great city of ours whose first message, when I say "tell me about yourself!" goes like this:

I mean, who says that!? To a woman who is a complete stranger!? Whose opening line is an explanation that they don't like the 70's look downstairs? I just don't understand.

All of this has REALLY burned me out on dating. I went out with Tricia last night. She's in a new relationship with a guy she met online.

"You met Jared a hot second after you got online," I said. "And Heidi at work literally JUST got out of a 4-year relationship and has already met a guy online that she's crazy about! And yet, not me."

"Maybe you're too much in your head," Tricia said.

"I am too much in my head. But I think I also only date my friends."

And there it was. The reality of this matter has taken me a decade and a half to arrive at. Online dating doesn't work for me because it's asking me to put too much faith in people that I have NO experience with. And when I look back at my life, every guy I've dated has been "verified" for me:

* Kurt, age 16. Went to church with all my friends.

* Webs, age 23. Area Director for a youth organization I volunteered with, so all my friends knew him. Also, I went to college with his brother.

* Lybee, age 27. Went to the same seminary as my dad.

* Derek, age 30. I was in a support group with his mother and became very close to her. Also, he was pals with one of my friends from grad school.

* Nick from NY, ages 33. He's the anomaly...kind of. I met him online but I was too much in my head and couldn't force a connection. But then he mailed me a TV for my birthday and I couldn't be the girl who had a TV from a guy she never talked to again... so we stayed in touch. And eventually became good friends. And eventually fell in love.

So there you go. I only date guys a) I'm friends with, b) someone I'm friends with will vouch for, or c) involved in some kind of organization or group that I trust. This probably has all kinds of TERRIBLE psychological meanings, like I don't trust myself or I have issues with strange men. But it is what it is, and at least knowing this will maybe save me from beating my head against a wall and getting emails from 23-year-olds like this:

"Hey beautiful. I'm Tony. how are u tonite?" I wonder what possesses people to do this. I will have to do some research and add my findings to the Book of Facts...