Weed.

Sometimes I walk outside into my backyard and think, “DAMN! Somebody is really letting this lawn go to pot. Bunch of rednecks!” Then I realize that I’m the homeowner and it’s me.

I really hate lawn maintenance, and also my lawn is straight violets with nary a blade of grass in sight. So really, what’s the point?

Because grass is boring and so is lawn-mowing, I decided to focus my outdoor efforts on growing flowers instead. I think what I lack in skill, I more than make up for in enthusiasm. Already, I’ve been so enthusiastic that I’ve killed several things.

You know of my recent unsuccessful efforts to “garden”the maple tree in my front yard. That was all an accident. Then I pruned some spruces by the front porch so much that I ended up pruning them right out of the ground, roots and all. Turns out, I have no idea what pruning is.

After that, I moved onto the legit weed-trees in my backyard. They were taller than the telephone wires!

But I think the trick to gardening is stupidity. If no one tells you that you cannot dig out a ten-year-old weed-tree, then you just assume it can be done. And if one can be done, then three can be done, and so on.

That’s how I gardened the crap out of multiple weed-trees like this:  

Yeah. In your face, Martha. I could barely even drag that sucker to the curb by myself!

Then I decided I needed some flowers and bushes to spruce things up a bit. I bought a pound of flower seeds and generously dumped them all over the backyard. That did virtually nothing, so I called Ma. She said, “I think it would be a nice idea to plant wildflowers to give things some color until you really sit down and plan out your garden.”

Plan out your garden! Haha! That made me laugh. I just buy lots of things and stick them in dirt. Then I water them until they die and then I dig them up (usually about 3 weeks later) and buy new things and stick them in dirt. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It starts out like this...

...and I get really proud of myself and my gardening abilities. Like, look at me, I can grow ranunculus!!! I'm practically a magician!!!

But before you know it, it devolves into this...

...and I find out that I drowned everything.

So it’s back to the garden supply store. Around the time of my 4^th hydrangea purchase, the garden supply people took to asking, “Now, do you know what to do with this?”

I kind of feel like that’s a vote of no-confidence.

Excuse me. I’m basically a professional. I have now spent so much money buying rakes, shovels, axes, flower seeds, shrubs, dirt, fertilizer, watering cans, and plant containers that I literally have to have a second job just to continue being a gardener.

But I will persist.