Lights Out

Ahhhh, home ownership. There’s an experience I relished for all of 12 hours. That’s how long it took me to realize I’d bought a house with a non-functioning bathroom.

Fortunately, I found Ray, a salt-of-the-earth plumber who assured me that he could fix the whole thing, even the “terlet” (that’s how plumbers say toilet). 

I didn’t even know the terlet was broken, but then, apparently I know nothing about houses. If I did, the fact that I just spent $750 fixing the plumbing would be enough to assure me that my bathroom is now safe.

Sadly, though, this is not the case. I blame Jose for this. I hired him to do the all electrical in the house before I moved in. First Jose said that would be around $3,000. Then after he sat down and really crunched some numbers, he said it would be $4,100. Then he said I didn’t really *need* all that work, that was just to get the building up to code so I could sell it.

I emailed him like, Hold on, Jose. I’m not selling it quite yet. Let’s stick with the basics. How much will it cost to make this house safe so I don’t electrocute myself?

He ignored my email.

So then I tried calling him. He talked about GCIs and electrical outlets and whirlpool connections and grounding things. And I was all, “Okay, but how much are we talking?” He just said all those words a bunch more times.

So I figured, Okay. Email and phone conversations don’t work, I’ll wait till he’s actually at the house and then be like, “Jose. How many dollars is it to do the work here that needs to be done now?”

I tried that, but he just said GCIs, electrical outlets, whirlpool connections, and grounding things some more. And this was in no way a language barrier. His English was sublime. This was an electrician barrier.

So then I was like, “Okay, Jose. Let’s try this. RED means STOP!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IF YOU DO NOT FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY! Yellow means, Meh. This could be dangerous, maybe you should fix it now. Green is just, This should be updated to code sometime before you sell this house. Okay? Now, I want you to fix all the RED and YELLOW things. Can you do that?”

Jose said okay. But then he vanished.

I am not even kidding you, blog world, he completely vanished. I see evidence of him in my house, so I know he was here… there’s all kinds of wires and cords and shit that he left in a big pile in the basement. However, I also see an electrical outlet that looks slightly burnt. Surely if he had actually done the red and yellow things, that would not be the case?

I’ve tried reaching out to Jose three different times like, “Jose! I would love to pay you if you could just TELL ME what you did and what I owe??” But he has disappeared.

So that is why, even though I now have a bathroom that produces hot water (thank you Ray), I still cannot get in my shower. Jose said that was the Number One RED THING…the whirlpool connection things in the bath. They were unsafe and might electrocute me. And since he disappeared, I have no idea if he fixed those or not.

Now normally, I’m kind of cavalier about following directions. For instance, I just assembled my entire bed frame with nothing more than a bottle of Chardonnay.  I’m just kind of crossing my fingers and hoping it doesn’t collapse with me in it in the middle of the night.

Also, when I’m watching Youtube videos, I tend to fast forward through all the parts I don’t understand (like, “turn the breaker switch off.” What the hell is a breaker switch? Probably not important, I’ll just turn the lights off)

But I’ve been electrocuted once before and I am not eager to repeat the experience. (It turns out you should really not use wet rags around electrical appliances that are plugged in).

So I guess I’ll just continue to be filthy and shower-less until I find another electrician to come and tell me if my house is safe. Anyone know one of those??