And so it begins...

Eight years ago, I was between regular teaching jobs and had to move into a co-worker’s basement. It was a low point. I don’t normally advocate giving one’s pets away, but a year prior, I had adopted a cat and now felt the co-worker was being kind enough by letting ME live in her basement, never mind a cat. I justified giving my pet away by telling myself that giving Graysee (who is gray, see?) to my best friend was okay, and in any case, the cat hated me. I think this picture accurately represents our relationship.

So I gave her to Nancy, who had a 3-bedroom house and 2 other cats. Graysee loved Nancy, who always told me it was because she, Nancy, never forced the cat to cuddle against her will, unlike me. Nonetheless, whenever I visited Nancy’s house, Graysee avoided me at best, hissed and growled at me at worst. I felt pretty lucky that Nancy had taken her in.

Only Nancy is downsizing in 2017. And since she actually has many, many cats now (and a dog), it is only fitting that I take Graysee back. I’m very, very worried about this. 

1.) For one thing, Graysee doesn’t like me much.

2.) For another thing, I am not a multi-cat person. I actually spend considerable time worrying about becoming a multi-cat person, as women in their 30’s sometimes do.

3.) Graysee hates Mocha, as I discovered when I kittysat for 2 weeks. It was  stressful.

But I love my friend and I love animals, so I figured, we will work it out.

Then I realized there are almost no doors in my house. I had been planning to keep Graysee in the spare room until she acclimated, but when I went to shut the door, it was so old that it wouldn’t shut! I don’t know how that even happens. Yes I do. You buy a house built in 1917, that's how it happens.

So before school one morning, Mocha and I went to inspect the spare room door and see if it could possibly be shut by determination.

That’s how I accidentally locked myself in the spare room at 6:30 in the morning when it was pitch black outside. It turns out you cannot just make hundred-year-old doors open and close by the force of your will. You can heave them shut but then that is where they will stay. 

This was certainly a conundrum. I didn’t know what to do. I had already called in late to work one day because I'd locked myself out of my apartment. I could not now be late because I'd locked myself INSIDE my house. What would they think?

So I forced open a window and jumped out into the darkness, running around the side of the house and in through the front door. Mocha almost had a heart attack, thinking I was still in the spare room.

I imagine it's the times like these that forge resourcefulness in a person. Do I still have wrapping paper coving the bathroom window? Yes. Did I accidentally pull a scary looking light fixture out of the ceiling whilst attempting to change a lightbulb? Also yes. But I jumped out a damn window when I trapped myself in a room. And that is something. I will have to remember that.

Lights Out

Ahhhh, home ownership. There’s an experience I relished for all of 12 hours. That’s how long it took me to realize I’d bought a house with a non-functioning bathroom.

Fortunately, I found Ray, a salt-of-the-earth plumber who assured me that he could fix the whole thing, even the “terlet” (that’s how plumbers say toilet). 

I didn’t even know the terlet was broken, but then, apparently I know nothing about houses. If I did, the fact that I just spent $750 fixing the plumbing would be enough to assure me that my bathroom is now safe.

Sadly, though, this is not the case. I blame Jose for this. I hired him to do the all electrical in the house before I moved in. First Jose said that would be around $3,000. Then after he sat down and really crunched some numbers, he said it would be $4,100. Then he said I didn’t really *need* all that work, that was just to get the building up to code so I could sell it.

I emailed him like, Hold on, Jose. I’m not selling it quite yet. Let’s stick with the basics. How much will it cost to make this house safe so I don’t electrocute myself?

He ignored my email.

So then I tried calling him. He talked about GCIs and electrical outlets and whirlpool connections and grounding things. And I was all, “Okay, but how much are we talking?” He just said all those words a bunch more times.

So I figured, Okay. Email and phone conversations don’t work, I’ll wait till he’s actually at the house and then be like, “Jose. How many dollars is it to do the work here that needs to be done now?”

I tried that, but he just said GCIs, electrical outlets, whirlpool connections, and grounding things some more. And this was in no way a language barrier. His English was sublime. This was an electrician barrier.

So then I was like, “Okay, Jose. Let’s try this. RED means STOP!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE IF YOU DO NOT FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY! Yellow means, Meh. This could be dangerous, maybe you should fix it now. Green is just, This should be updated to code sometime before you sell this house. Okay? Now, I want you to fix all the RED and YELLOW things. Can you do that?”

Jose said okay. But then he vanished.

I am not even kidding you, blog world, he completely vanished. I see evidence of him in my house, so I know he was here… there’s all kinds of wires and cords and shit that he left in a big pile in the basement. However, I also see an electrical outlet that looks slightly burnt. Surely if he had actually done the red and yellow things, that would not be the case?

I’ve tried reaching out to Jose three different times like, “Jose! I would love to pay you if you could just TELL ME what you did and what I owe??” But he has disappeared.

So that is why, even though I now have a bathroom that produces hot water (thank you Ray), I still cannot get in my shower. Jose said that was the Number One RED THING…the whirlpool connection things in the bath. They were unsafe and might electrocute me. And since he disappeared, I have no idea if he fixed those or not.

Now normally, I’m kind of cavalier about following directions. For instance, I just assembled my entire bed frame with nothing more than a bottle of Chardonnay.  I’m just kind of crossing my fingers and hoping it doesn’t collapse with me in it in the middle of the night.

Also, when I’m watching Youtube videos, I tend to fast forward through all the parts I don’t understand (like, “turn the breaker switch off.” What the hell is a breaker switch? Probably not important, I’ll just turn the lights off)

But I’ve been electrocuted once before and I am not eager to repeat the experience. (It turns out you should really not use wet rags around electrical appliances that are plugged in).

So I guess I’ll just continue to be filthy and shower-less until I find another electrician to come and tell me if my house is safe. Anyone know one of those??

A Clean Start

2017 should be the Year of Taking Chances...but not Stupid Chances.

At the tail end of 2016, I bought a house. I was pretty excited. In my head, I had my entire Yelp review of my landlady all written out. I found it highly appropriate that my students were reading a Roald Dahl short story called "The Landlady" about a serial killer just at the time I was plotting revenge against mine. 

But then I decided I didn't want to be one of those nasty Old Maids who does nothing but plot revenge, so I sent her a nice text saying Merry Christmas instead and wondered if I was bi-polar.

Then I moved into my tiny house and quickly discovered WHY people have landladies to begin with. It's so that someone else can freak out about the plumbing.

At my closing, the mortgage lender said I was an "ideal client" because I took copious notes of everything and made sure all my ducks were in a row. The building inspector, on the other hand, looked at my hot pink notebook and said, "You don't need to be writing all this down. I'm sending you a report." So I quit writing things down. 

And that is how I bought a house, paid $1100 to install a new water heater, and still didn't have a hot shower. Not even one.

"Well, I'm pretty sure he might have said something about no hot water verbally though," my dad posited. 

"I don't care if he said it verbally. It wasn't in the report and he told me not to write notes because he was sending a report."

"Look, he gave you a hundred dollars off on your inspection."

"I WOULD RATHER HAVE KNOWN I WAS BUYING A HOUSE WITH NO HOT WATER!!!"

My dad and I are currently on the outs right now, mostly because I own a home wherein I have wrapping paper taped over my bathroom windows so I can scrub myself down at the sink every day like the redneck I now am.

This state of affairs must be ended immediately. I've seen my realtors with their other clients and they are magnificent. Unfortunately, I'm easier to blow off or postpone because I'm their kid.

My first tactic was to tell Dad, "I'm moving my stuff to your house while you're in South Carolina. My home is unlivable, so I guess I'm moving back in with you and mom."

This did not propel him into action like I hoped it would. And every time I try to call service people on my own, my folks are all, "Why didn't you call us first!? We know better people to fix that! You're going to pay a fortune!"

Next, I sent him and my mom a group text: "Don't worry about anything! Remember that single guy Darrin from 2 houses up? He has TWO bathrooms in his house and said I can just move all my stuff in and shower there on the regular!"

This provoked outraged texts from South Carolina but ultimately produced no parents, nor any phone numbers of BETTER plumbers than the ones I'd already called.

But having told my parents that I was showering at Darrin's, I now had to do so. So, towel and shampoo in hand, I marched down the sidewalk in my house shoes and let myself in while he was at work. I was horrified by the sight that greeted me...

Whereas the first time I had gone to Darrin's house (unannounced), it had smelled vaguely of pot and looked very lived-in, it now looked like a museum.

To the right, there was a dining table set for two people, complete with a bottle of champagne waiting to be opened. On the bar counter stood a coffee pot surrounded by tiny creamers and two coffee mugs, with business cards artfully fanned out in front of them, facing me. On the back of a bar stool hung a business suit from Lord & Taylor. 

This was not a place where someone was living. It was a place asking to be lived in. Everything inside me was like "RUN!!!!!! This house has been staged for something!! Maybe there are video cameras everywhere!!" But I was supposed to be proving a point to my parents, and that point was that their trip to the land of my birth was more important than my cleanliness, which, as we all know, is next to godliness. So I took a damn shower.

I kind of hoped that would be the end of it, but Darrin has proven truly unshakeable. I find this very unnerving. He texts me all the time and shows up on my doorstep at night. I can't pretend I'm not home because, uh...he can see my car.

In general, I find myself to be my best around awkward guys. (Probably because they have like ZERO frame of reference for what women are supposed to be like.) But you can tell this is not an awkward guy, this is just a regular one who says awkward things. There's a difference. This is how our super awkward conversations go:

Darrin: How old are you?

Elle: 36.

Darrin: WHAT!?!?!? NO WAY!!!!!! I never would have guessed that!!! You look so young! I'm 29.

Elle: Okay.

Darrin: So, my girlfriend and I broke up several weeks ago. She was crazy. Man. She was CRAZY.

Elle: I hate when guys say that. Anyway, I have to go to the grocery store, nice seeing you.

Darrin: Well, maybe she wasn't crazy. She was just young. She was too young. 

Elle: Okay. I'm gonna head out. Go take your fat dog on a walk or something, good exercise! 

Darrin: No, too cold. YOU don't need any exercise. How much do you weigh? It's like 95 pounds right?

Elle: Who knows? Well I gotta get going.

Darrin: That's the question you're not supposed to ask a woman right?

Elle: That and "how old are you?"

Darrin: (looking at phone) MAN, this one chick will not leave me alone! How should I make her stop? She can't seem to get the picture that I'm not interested!

Elle: (literally with one foot out the door) Don't respond I guess.

Darrin: So you got hot water yet? You want to borrow my 2nd bathroom again?
Elle:........ehm, not quite. Hey, have you met the gal who lives in that house with the blue shutters? The next door neighbor says she's young and single! (runs away)

It is hard to weigh the desire to be clean and neighborly against my desire to NOT be involved with my neighbor.