The Freedom To Screw Up: Ireland and Beyond

It's pretty hard living inside my head. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.

Actually, tequila helps with that.

But when there is no tequila, my brain gets really, really crowded. There are times when I have to play Candy Crush just to use up all the extra energy in my head. I'm not kidding. I have to sit there for 20 or 30 minutes and move little pieces of candy around on a screen SO THAT THE REST OF MY BRAIN IS FREE TO CONCENTRATE ON THE THOUGHTS THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE THINKING ABOUT BUT HAVE TOO MUCH NERVOUS ENERGY TO FOCUS ON!!!

This is what my brain looks like:

Moving candies into place makes me feel like I have control over the maverick thoughts and pieces of my life that refuse to fall into place.

Nick used to joke that having me for a girlfriend was akin to having a pet greyhound that must be  exercised at regular intervals to function properly. I think that was accurate. Look, here is a picture of my tracks in the dead of winter, when he had to take me out to run around on the beach because I was too cooped up to think straight:

Getting lost inside my own head means I ruminate a lot. I think back over what I did and how I should have done it differently and what the outcome would have been if I had done this instead of that.

I'm trying to learn to live with the uncertainty and to embrace the messiness of decision-making in which I don't know the end from the beginning. Candy Crush is easy. If I move this purple piece over to the left, I will have four purple pieces in a row and they will become a red-and-white striped piece. Tada! 

But life isn't like that. I'll never know what would have happened if I'd dated Paul, and certainly I regret not giving "Us" a chance. But from that experience, I learned to start taking risks. Maybe now I can do more things like drink Guiness at midnight and see strangers as potential friends. 

At the very least, I've come to a determination not to pass up something like that again. The next time I'm confronted by the unexpected, something that's risky and that doesn't have a guaranteed happy ending, I'm going to give it a go. 

I'm going to quit writing off people and places and things just because they don't fit into my predetermined boxes. Here's to the future. Slainte!!