dark

I don't know what to say here. I just know that sometimes when life falls apart and I feel completely bereft, it helps to write.

I met an idiot for lunch the other day. She's a friend, but admittedly several years younger and greener than me. She told me that whenever she is into a guy, she always "puts herself out there." She said she'd rather not have to wonder what might have happened if she had. I asked if any of the guys she'd revealed her feelings to had ever said, "Awesome! As a matter of fact, I'm really into YOU, too!"

No. They hadn't. They had just said thank you and walked away.

Still, she claimed that she had no regrets. Better to have loved and lost, blah blah blah. I mulled these thoughts around in my head, regarding Nick. I'd been praying and thinking about him for awhile. I hadn't planned on the big return of sentiment when I saw him. But being with him was just nice... it was what dating should be. When I was with him, I didn't worry about where it was all going or what we were doing or what it all meant... I always worried about those things afterward, when he wasn't around and I was staring at the ceiling at midnight. But when I was with him, it was just EASY. And fun. And good. I hadn't experienced that in a long time. Even with some of my previous long-term boyfriends, dating hadn't been fun, but stressful and full of doubt and unrest. When I was with Nick, I felt like everything was as it should be.

The only problem was our past several years of never being on the same page. He had seemed so into about me when we first met. And then for years afterward, always asked me when I was coming out to visit. And then I DID, and everything went horribly and I was CRUSHED afterward when he decided we were hurting each other. And then the long silence. See? Never on the same page. When I came back to St. Louis, I went from talking to Nick everyday to not hearing from him at all. So I did something crazy (after a lot of prayer). I put myself out there. I told him, "I know this is coming a few years late. And I know we live about ten states apart and are both just getting out of long-term relationships. But I like you, Nick. I wasn't planning on it, I just wanted to see you so we could be on good terms. But you surprised me, and there it is, finally. I like you. This is me being vulnerable."

I was never vulnerable with him before. I was always quite defensive. It felt pretty damn freeing.

Until about three days later, when I got his reply... which essentially said, "Thank you."

Tonight's the first night I've cried in a long, long time.