A few weeks ago, I read a book called Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. My sister gave it to me for Hanukkah or Christmas, I can't remember which. The book dragged on for awhile, but one part really arrested me. In it, the author introduces the concept of lao-tangs, or "old sames." In ancient Chinese culture, two girls of elevated circumstances would be matched together in their childhood... and would become and remain best friends throughout their lives. You couldn't pick just anyone for your daughter's lao-tang... They had to really be "sames" -- the two girls in the book were born in the same year, same month, same day, same time of day. They had the same number of siblings and the same birth order amidst those siblings. Their feet were the same size (Chinese people really liked feet back then) and their heights were the same. So they were matched and destined for each other in a sisterly relationship that was far more intimate than any marriage would be.
Ever since I finished reading the book, I've been mulling over the concept of "old-sames." L.M. Montgomery would call it "kindred spirits;" most people today would probably explain the relationship by saying "soul mates." What does it take to be soul mates in this country, in this culture, in this day and age? We don't look for someone with feet the same size as ours, or with the same birthday or the same family status. But what things DO need to be the same? It's easy to give the answer "race, religion, politics" and call it a day. And sure, those sames would make a relationship a lot smoother. But I don't think those are the essentials, not really. So what are the sames that matter?
I was thinking about all this recently in the context of my last relationship. Derek was like Tigger to me... you know, the character from Winnie the Pooh? He was huge and messy and effervescent and lovable and full of life. I came into the kitchen once to find a big puddle of coffee on the counter... when I looked in the pot, I found that he had dumped nearly the entire contents of my coffee canister straight into the coffee maker (he couldn't find a spoon. he forgot the filter). He loved to laugh, swing me around and bounce all over the place. You kind of can't help but love Tigger.Only, I'm Rabbit. Rabbit is very obsessive compulsive, if you'll forgive my saying so. He's not really anyone's favorite character because he's kind of uptight and anxious and by-the-book. Rabbit just wants to sit in his quiet Rabbit-hole and wear his fuzzy slippers and read a nice book. But he can't because every time he tries, Tigger bounces onto the scene, breaking things and spilling things and proposing crazy adventures. Rabbit nearly has a heart attack every time Tigger shows up, either because he gets jumped on or because he's running around frantically trying to catch all of the belongings that Tigger has upset in his enthusiasm.
Both characters are good, although like I said, most people prefer Tigger. There is nothing wrong with the way either one of them lives their life. And, truth be told, they are even friends - all that time together in the Hundred Acre Wood made that much inevitable I think. But can you imagine Rabbit and Tigger in a more serious relationship? Apart from the fact that they're both stuffed toys, and they're both male, and they don't have any real emotions, can you imagine them in a dating relationship? Or married? Or raising children?
I mean, how much "sameness" do you need with someone to be "old sames?" Do you both need to prize your individual "alone" time, as my brother and his fiancee do? Or if you're at the other extreme, must you both be "needy" in the sense that you want to spend ALL of your time together, as my friend says she and her husband do? Or can relationships work (or even thrive!) when one person is Tigger and one is Rabbit?
And does the fact that I'm comparing myself to an A.A. Milne book for children mean that I have literally gone crazy? Or am I just sad and alone right now?
2 comments:
My husband is a jock... an honest to goodness, blue blooded jock. When he found out I was a music major, he said, "Really?" with this half-sick look on his face. I think my half-sick look matched his when he told me he likes football.
But we adore each other. I think the question of differences has to do with whether you want to learn from each other and become more like each other. In that case, differences don't matter. It's when you want to change your partner into your own image that differences become a problem.
are you SERIOUS!? I cannot believe you married a jock! Will wonders never cease?
I guess the question I have is, what do you mean "do you want to learn from each other and become more like each other"? I mean, did you become more like your husband by becoming more of a jock?
If you have one Tigger and one Rabbit, what I'm saying is, the Rabbit person is NEVER going to want to spend ALL of their time with the Tigger because they need alone time. And the Tigger is never going to be like, "Oh, hey, I just really enjoy spending time by myself suddenly!"
I have a friend who says she is the cat in the relationship and her man is the dog... Because he follows her around everywhere and always wants to be with her. But SHE is perfectly happy on her own and likes to spend time by herself. And it's easy for the dog to feel superfluous I guess because the cat likes independence.
So what do you make of that?
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