I went on a date last night. We'll call the guy Ivan. He seemed really needy. I guess I always get annoyed when men want to text or message me a lot leading up to a 1st date… like, in my mind, that’s what the first date is for! I’ll talk to ya then! Anyway, I listed a few places for him around Main Street and he chose one, so we met up there.
He had asked me in a message about an hour before if I liked comedy, so I took the opportunity to answer him over wine: sadly, no. I get way too nervous and anxious for the performers! He was like, “No, not stand-up. Like, just comedy.”
I feel like this is akin to asking someone, “Do you like greens?”
Like… what does that mean? Putting greens? Leafy greens? Shades from chartreuse to pea to forest? That question is too broad to have any meaning!!!
I finally said, “So…the comedies of Shakespeare? What are we talking here?”
At this point, he seemed almost annoyed, “NO, like COMEDY!” (good, say it louder, then it will make more sense). “You know, like Saturday Night Live and Comedy Central!! I was thinking we could go watch the Naked Gun sequel after this.”
I explained that I didn’t get to watch a lot of TV or listen to music as a kid (my last boyfriend used to say that his cultural references all went completely over my head because I was "raised behind the Iron Curtain.) It seems to have carried over into my adulthood… I don’t ever watch SNL or go to concerts now – although the latter is also because I fall asleep so early. But I do read a lot and like learning things.
Also, I didn’t say this out loud, but I was thinking, “You’re attractive and you seem nice enough, but I don’t have the time or energy to go to the movies with someone mere hours after meeting them. What if I hate you and I’m stuck with you, pretending to laugh?”
Then out of nowhere he said, “So I married my high school sweetheart. We were married for many years. Our divorce was finalized in 2023, and I took a year to recover from it. I started dating again a year ago and I’ve been on 14 dates in that time. All but two of those led to at least one additional follow-up date, mostly because I have very high standards for who I ask out to start with. Two of the 14 did result in shorter-term relationships, one was three months and one was two months. Unfortunately, some people get into relationships without really dealing with their baggage first, and that can just lead to heartbreak for the rest of us.”
I stared at him. I had not asked him a question. He just told me his romantic resume, and I didn’t know what to say.
“Okay,” I said finally. “That sounds… Like you’ve said it a lot of times.” Upon reflection, that was not the best way to respond. But how DOES one respond in that situation? I mean, if I’d asked a question, I could follow up, but there had been no question!
"I've only said it 14 times because that's how many first dates I've been on," he explained needlessly.
"Huh. Okay. Well, uhhhhh. How have you found online dating? What's the most salient thing that's happened to you?"
He seemed confused by this question. I told him about the time Heather the-lesbian-bartender snuck me out through the kitchen after my date refused to leave the parking lot. Then I told him about that dude that started crying on our first date and told me he was bipolar but didn't want to take medicine because it inhibited orgasms.
Blogworld, I was hilarious and delightful. He, on the other hand, was just... really serious about finding someone to be with.
I think this man made me mad. That’s the only logical conclusion I can draw to explain the rest of my behavior. He seemed super, super needy. He said, “I’m happy with my life, but I won’t be really, REALLY happy until I have my person to share it with. I just need to find that person.”
I was like, “Well, I pretty much have everything a person could need or want, so someone would have to make my life substantially better in order for me to give up this sweet gig.” Like… who says that on a date? It’s like throwing down a gauntlet. I don’t know why I did it other than that he gave me a hard time for not going to concerts and not liking “comedy.”
But then we started talking about doctoral degrees and I said that if I pursued a doctorate, I would move to the East Coast. He stared at me and said, “Why?” I was like, “Why not? I’m not going to do it here! I’d move to Massachusetts or something.”
Again, sheer cussedness on my part. This dude had two doctorates and his own lab. I don’t think he did either advanced degree here, but I don’t know for sure. It’s like I was TRYING to be terrible, but I don’t know why. Someone should psychologize me.
We shared a bottle of wine and talked for 2 hours. I thought, “Okay, he doesn’t seem to have a personality, but maybe it’s one of those things where he’s nervous or something. Second date potential for sure.”
But then he wanted to drink more wine. I knew I couldn’t handle more, so I suggested we just split a glass. He downed that whole glass after I couldn’t drink my half. Then he wanted to go on a walk. I told him I had to mow my lawn before it turned pitch black outside, and he seemed really shocked that I was ending the date after only 2+ hours. He was like, “Wow, so not even going to grab another drink somewhere else?”
I said, “I read somewhere that first dates should be short and sweet. You know, time to process and all that! We’ve been here more than two hours and I really do need to mow my lawn. Can we grab that other drink on a different day?”
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| (not mine, but it might as well be) |
I was really feeling the wine. I don’t know why, I love wine. But the lady came with the bill-pay device and I was completely zoned out. He was like, “NO NO, DON’T WORRY, I’VE GOT IT!” even though I hadn’t reached for my wallet.
I came to suddenly. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! Of course, I’ll pay too. Can you just split that down the middle?” I asked the server.
“I think he wants to pay,” she said, scanning his card.
“I’m really sorry,” I told my date.
Then we walked out. “Well, I guess I’ll just walk around this neighborhood by myself since I’m out here and you have to mow your lawn.”
There was an awkward goodbye. I only got to mow the back before it was black as tar outside. Then I went to bed.
WTF.
I mean, was I the world’s best date? No. But did I continually make him laugh? Yes. Would I have gladly Venmo’d him for whatever the bill was? Yes. Did I actually mow my lawn? Also, yes.
I thanked him for the advice. Sincerely. I didn’t change my dating profile. But I did consider deleting it altogether -- apparently, my profile makes me seem a lot cooler than I actually am. I am seriously questioning if I want to go on any more dates for the rest of my life.
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