CATFISH

In my last post, I mourned the loss of Gigi's sanity, as she was busy bombarding eHarmony with emails and phone calls about how she had been "catfished" by an older woman named Ruth. This came about because when we tried to follow up with her erstwhile date, the caller ID said "Ruth Campbell."

That was all the proof that Gigi needed.

I tried to explain to her, from my vast years of dating wisdom, that just because a guy's phone is registered under another name does not mean that a 64-year-old woman from Texas is playing mind games with you. Perhaps Ruth was Jake's grandmother and his phone was linked to her. Perhaps his phone number last belonged to someone named Ruth Campbell and it hadn't been switched over yet. Anything was possible.

Gigi insisted. NO! Anything was NOT possible! She called eharmony and demanded that they not only remove "Jake's" account from their website, but that they also investigate Ruth Campbell and find her the real guy posing in the picture.

I finally gave up on her somewhere around the time she started making lists of common "life emergencies" that catfishers use to avoid actually meeting their victims in person (car accident; family illness; house fire). While Gigi continued her internet research, I went on with my own life.

Stratski felt that I should give Cal from California another go. After I had refused to go out with him when he kept me hanging all week, he apologized profusely and begged for a second chance. I acquiesced on the condition that he would alert me as to the day, time, and place all in advance. He decided basso, 6 p.m., Monday night.

Monday night arrived and Stratski coached me via phone as I pulled into the parking lot: "Don't hold it against Cal. He could be a really good guy, he just got off to a bad start."

I waited. Cal didn't show. At 6:15, he called to say he'd been in a car accident.

"It's very minor," he said. "Unfortunately, I can't leave until the police report is finished. Of course, I don't expect you to wait for me."

"It's all right," I said. "I have papers to grade. I'll just grade them here until you are finished with the police and we can have dinner."

2 hours later, he texted me. "It turns out my car DOES have major damage. I'm stranded on the side of the road. Want to come get me, haha?"

Gigi was beside herself. YOU ARE BEING CATFISHED!!!! she yelled. By this point, she had even found catfishing websites and software, the better to conduct her research.

The next day, Cal sent 6 follow up messages, alternately apologizing for standing me up and reiterating that it wasn't his fault. He begged me for (another) last chance. I had serious reservations at this point, thanks to G. So I decided the best way to see whether or not he was a real person was to Google him.

"What is your last name?" I asked.

Cal vanished.

Or, to be more accurate, he vanished for 3 or 4 weeks. Then he reappeared and begged for another chance again.

"Here's the deal," I texted him. "I don't think you're the guy in your pictures. I'll make you a deal. Write today's date on a Post-It note and snap a selfie holding that up for me. I'll believe you're who you claim to be when I get that."

Cal thanked me profusely and agreed that this was an excellent idea.

Then he didn't do it. After 24 hours passed without the selfie, I sent him a final email on the dating website: "Do NOT contact me again."

"Hey now," he immediately IM'd me. "That's not fair! I was just getting ready to take a selfie to send you!"

BLOCK.

He then tried texting me (not the selfie, mind you) begging for another chance. BLOCK.

It turns out Gigi's not just cynical; I'm naive. At the end of her research, Gigi discovered "Jake's" number listed and commented on by 23 other women who had been similarly wooed and then left hanging as, for one reason or another, he (or she????) couldn't meet them in person and vanished.

It's tough being a woman in the internet age.