Ma

A long time ago, I had a bit of a breakdown over the fact that
a.) my job sucked
b.) my boyfriend and I had split up
c.) my family was less than cordial with me
Contrary to what you might expect, my weeping and gnashing of teeth was actually not a reaction to any one of these extenuating circumstances; rather, it was due to the sudden realization of how much worse my life would be if Ma were not there to help me through it all.

Some of you will doubtless remember Ma from previous blog posts. For those who do not, Ma is the 5 foot giant of wisdom and love whom I met while working in the business world a decade ago (everyone calls her that because of her mothering instincts). Any time I may have questioned foregoing the scholarship to graduate school in favor of working as a secretary immediately after college, God reminds me of Ma and how she saved my life. I might have been smarter if I'd gone on to get another Master's degree, but my quality of life would be much lower. That's how much she's affected it. Ma is the one who packed all my belongings and moved me into a new apartment after I'd lost my job...three times. She's the one who drove me to the hospital and pushed my wheelchair and held my hand when I couldn't stop shaking. She brought me sustenance and taped garbage bags over my windows when I had the flu and everything hurt my eyes and stomach. Mostly, she invented "Brave Shoes"as a metaphor to help me become stronger through change and adversity.

Those years ago when I was so worried about my life, it wasn't because I was afraid I'd lose my job again or get dumped again or be homeless again. It was because I've always had a fear of someone pulling the rug out from under me, and I suddenly realized that the worst kind of rug-pulling had become the loss of Ma. I've always insulated myself against love because I know what it's like to lose it.    I guess I've thought that if I didn't get too close to people, it wouldn't hurt as much when they aren't there anymore. When I realized how much I had come to depend on Ma, I developed an irrational fear that God would allow her to be killed in a car crash or something equally as horrible, so that I would be forced to turn to Him. I confessed these fears once to Ma and she said, "That's silly. I'm not going anywhere."

That was all it took. If Ma said it, I believed it. And so, over the years, I let myself become more and more attached to this small but formidable person. I eventually came to believe that no matter what happened, my family -- my Ma -- would be there with love and encouragement and a home-cooked meal when the sky was falling.

But Ma just got a job in another state. Everything inside me knows it's for the best...it's where her mother lives, it's where her daughter wants to go to college next year, it's where she grew up and belongs. But my soul is still stunned that she is actually moving away, that I won't be able to spend anymore Halloweens handing out candy and watching Charlie Brown. We won't watch The Santa Clause (1, 2, and 3) and eat turkey anymore at Christmas. And she won't be able to "pop over" with a balloon and flowers anymore on Valentine's Day. How did this happen? This was not part of the plan!

I guess the whole point of Brave Shoes is that they are supposed to imbue you with a sense of courage that you wouldn't otherwise have. And then hopefully, as you wear them enough, they become part of you and your whole life becomes courageous. I know in my heart that I'm courageous enough now to survive -- if not exactly thrive -- without a mother being right next to me all the time. And I suspect that Ma told God she would only leave if He provided someone else to care about me. But I'm still sad.