I feel I should state, for the record, that I don't really want to be "on the prowl." See, I went to New York a month and a half ago to see a friend. "Friend" meaning someone I'd met online a few years ago and -- despite all the odds -- actually become close to. We'll call him Nick. I didn't know what to expect, but we actually had a really great time together. Or at least I did. Unfortunately, I overestimated Nick's level of interest in me (My roommate remonstrates me constantly on this point). All this time, I thought that the door for "Us" was still open in his mind when, in reality, we were firmly entrenched in the "Just Friends" territory. I think we both felt the connection when I visited, but afterward I wanted to pursue it and he didn't really know what he wanted.
That's what led me back to the dating pool.
It was kind of a desperate measure to shore up my flagging self-esteem.
Also, the soundtrack of my life seemed to be a John Mayer song: "I'm tired of being alone. SO HURRY UP AND GET HERE!!"
But enough of that.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Dating Made Simple, Part II
Take Jim, for instance. We met at a popular bookstore/coffee shop, the easier for me to bail when he inevitably ended up being crazy. Also, Lindsay, who looked exactly like me but with dreds and multiple piercings, sat conveniently 1 foot away, pretending not to be associated with me. It was her responsibility to rescue me if my date tried to kidnap me in broad daylight, in a crowded bookstore, in a teeming mall, on a Saturday afternoon (sheltered preacher’s daughters worry about that sort of thing)
.1.) I saw Jim across the crowded bookstore. He was wearing HEAVY jewelry: a MATCHING necklace and bracelet. Not cool guy accessories but looks-like-women's-jewelry-only-much-clunkier stuff. -2 cool points.
2.) Jim approached and shook my hand instead of trying to kiss me like some blind dates were wont to do. +2 cool points.
3.) Even with the distance a handshake allowed for, I could still smell the cologne emanating from every square inch of his body. -2 cool points.
4.) Jim remarked excitedly and repeatedly on my great beauty. Ambivalent -- flattering but weird? 0 points
5.) Jim asked me what I would like to drink so that he could buy me a coffee. +2 cool points.
6.) He was VERY insistent that I try a caramel macchiato, despite my already knowing exactly what they taste like. -2 cool points.
7.) Jim bought me bottled water, solicitously, after I won the caramel macchiato battle. +2 cool points.
8.) After we sat down and began chatting, Jim referred repeatedly to African-Americans as "colored people." -12 points.
9.) Jim then made casual reference to his 9-year-old daughter, whom he had left out in the mall somewhere. -2 points for failing to mention that he had a daughter and -2 more points for reckless abandonment of a 9-year-old.
10.) Jim referred to the fact that he earned $100,000 last year. -2 points for crassness. And -2 more for lying.
11.) Jim talked about his baby mama as "addicted to methamphetamines, so I had to divorce her and now she's living in a trailer in De Soto." -2 points.
12.) Jim then began regaling me with a tale about how on another first date, the woman leveled with him after 10 minutes, saying, "Look I have to be honest with you… I was raped by my stepfather when I was 12 and I have a son by him." Jim's response to this? To tell her he had to go to the bathroom and then jet out of the restaurant... which was a Denny’s. -10 points.... some for telling this story, some for being a terrible person, and some just because he was REALLY starting to annoy me.
13.) At this point in the conversation, Jim asked where I lived, if I lived alone, where I went to church, and if I was the cause of my last relationship’s demise. (All of these things were answered with incredible nebulousness on my part) -50 points.
14.) Jim repeatedly made mention of our future dates, which were apparently a given for him. -2 points.
15.) As I began to panic, Jim showed me the places on his forehead where he used to have screws. -2 points just because that is weird, random, and reminiscent of Frankenstein.
I don't know how many points he eventually ended up in the hole because I started feeling claustrophobic and began looking for escape routes. So when Jim said, "Well, I'd definitely like to see you again!" I did a first for me…
I actually TOLD a guy, face-to-face, right then and there, "You know, it sounds like we are looking for different things right now, so I don't think that's a good idea, but it was so nice to meet you!"
Only days before, I would have felt too badly to be honest. I would have avoided his phone calls until they got increasingly annoying and then emailed him a let-down. But that Elisa had vanished after my date with Jim! My mom had unwittingly cured her of a good deal of passive aggressiveness by insisting on online dating!
After Jim left to find his poor daughter, I gathered my things and, shaking my head, threw my empty bottle of water away. A dude with a Mohawk and lots of piercings looked at me and said,
“It’s tough, huh?”
“You have no idea,” I replied. And then I left to find Lindsay, who hadn’t been able to hear our conversation to her satisfaction, and who had therefore thrown me to the wolves.
.1.) I saw Jim across the crowded bookstore. He was wearing HEAVY jewelry: a MATCHING necklace and bracelet. Not cool guy accessories but looks-like-women's-jewelry-only-much-clunkier stuff. -2 cool points.
2.) Jim approached and shook my hand instead of trying to kiss me like some blind dates were wont to do. +2 cool points.
3.) Even with the distance a handshake allowed for, I could still smell the cologne emanating from every square inch of his body. -2 cool points.
4.) Jim remarked excitedly and repeatedly on my great beauty. Ambivalent -- flattering but weird? 0 points
5.) Jim asked me what I would like to drink so that he could buy me a coffee. +2 cool points.
6.) He was VERY insistent that I try a caramel macchiato, despite my already knowing exactly what they taste like. -2 cool points.
7.) Jim bought me bottled water, solicitously, after I won the caramel macchiato battle. +2 cool points.
8.) After we sat down and began chatting, Jim referred repeatedly to African-Americans as "colored people." -12 points.
9.) Jim then made casual reference to his 9-year-old daughter, whom he had left out in the mall somewhere. -2 points for failing to mention that he had a daughter and -2 more points for reckless abandonment of a 9-year-old.
10.) Jim referred to the fact that he earned $100,000 last year. -2 points for crassness. And -2 more for lying.
11.) Jim talked about his baby mama as "addicted to methamphetamines, so I had to divorce her and now she's living in a trailer in De Soto." -2 points.
12.) Jim then began regaling me with a tale about how on another first date, the woman leveled with him after 10 minutes, saying, "Look I have to be honest with you… I was raped by my stepfather when I was 12 and I have a son by him." Jim's response to this? To tell her he had to go to the bathroom and then jet out of the restaurant... which was a Denny’s. -10 points.... some for telling this story, some for being a terrible person, and some just because he was REALLY starting to annoy me.
13.) At this point in the conversation, Jim asked where I lived, if I lived alone, where I went to church, and if I was the cause of my last relationship’s demise. (All of these things were answered with incredible nebulousness on my part) -50 points.
14.) Jim repeatedly made mention of our future dates, which were apparently a given for him. -2 points.
15.) As I began to panic, Jim showed me the places on his forehead where he used to have screws. -2 points just because that is weird, random, and reminiscent of Frankenstein.
I don't know how many points he eventually ended up in the hole because I started feeling claustrophobic and began looking for escape routes. So when Jim said, "Well, I'd definitely like to see you again!" I did a first for me…
I actually TOLD a guy, face-to-face, right then and there, "You know, it sounds like we are looking for different things right now, so I don't think that's a good idea, but it was so nice to meet you!"
Only days before, I would have felt too badly to be honest. I would have avoided his phone calls until they got increasingly annoying and then emailed him a let-down. But that Elisa had vanished after my date with Jim! My mom had unwittingly cured her of a good deal of passive aggressiveness by insisting on online dating!
After Jim left to find his poor daughter, I gathered my things and, shaking my head, threw my empty bottle of water away. A dude with a Mohawk and lots of piercings looked at me and said,
“It’s tough, huh?”
“You have no idea,” I replied. And then I left to find Lindsay, who hadn’t been able to hear our conversation to her satisfaction, and who had therefore thrown me to the wolves.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Dating Made Simple
A bad aspect of being a preacher’s daughter is that you don’t get to start dating until you’re about 53, more of less. And even then, your parents are going to chime in with all sorts of advice that’s about a thousand years old. You think I’m exaggerating, but they really thought we were pushing the envelope because we kissed guys we weren’t engaged to.
Actually, kissing is a good way to show you how behind the times we really were. When I began dating my first real boyfriend in my 20’s, I started freaking out because I didn’t know how to kiss a guy! What if he tried to kiss me and I just stood there like a lump on a log!? All 4 of my previous kisses had been the type of pecks that 5-year-olds gave each other, and I was extremely worried about my lack of lip lock know-how.
Because of this, I enlisted AmyRose, who was always much more street savvy than me. Amy thought I would probably benefit from visual aides in this department so she drew a man’s face on her old bedroom wall (Mom and Dad were planning on re-painting it anyway). She added lipgloss all over “his” lips, I guess to indicate where they were since my eyes would presumably be closed for most of the routine. She then had me practice kissing the wall repeatedly. There are pictures of this, but I prefer they stay buried at the bottom of my file cabinet and never see the light of day.
So as you can see, my parents had conspired to keep dating as out-of-reach as possible up to the point of our leaving home. (After that, it was out-of-reach just because I was afraid of looking like an ignorant loser). This is why it was so fortunate for them when online dating exploded onto the scene. Finally! my parents thought, Dating in a way that requires ZERO physical contact! Just what we always wanted for our kids! They didn’t realize that you can only talk to a person for so long via email before you’re expected to meet him, but whatever.
My mother immediately set about trying to convince all of us to sign up for an online dating service. She figured we would plug in our statistics: medium height, green eyes, Protestant, and voila! the perfect man of God would appear via the information superhighway and woo us with his devotion and knowledge of ancient near eastern civilizations.
I believe that AmyRose was the only one of us never to succumb to Mom’s admonitions – she instead wrote all over the bedroom walls, in marker, about how dumb some of Mom’s ideas were.
Lindsay had to lie about her age to sign up, which is probably not a good way to begin a dating relationship anyway. Ryan tried it once or twice for a few days apiece. But I, ladies and gentlemen, insisted on beating my head against the brick wall of online dating for quite a few months, I am sorry to say.
Have you ever watch 3rd Rock From the Sun? I love that show. It's about a bunch of aliens disguised as people, and they're living together as a family unit, trying to figure out how to do life on earth. When Dr. Solomon finds out about "tipping" servers at a restaurant, he responds in typical Dr. Solomon fashion, which I don’t remember exactly, but it goes something like this:
"Now, my good man, you are our server this evening. Here is a stack of one-dollar bills sitting on the table. Every time you do something right, I will put a dollar over here for you. Every time you do something stupid, I will take a dollar out of that pile and give it back to me."
That is a good way to describe how my initial blind dates went... me adding and subtracting points in my head, based on the inanity and stupidity of the man sitting across from me...
Actually, kissing is a good way to show you how behind the times we really were. When I began dating my first real boyfriend in my 20’s, I started freaking out because I didn’t know how to kiss a guy! What if he tried to kiss me and I just stood there like a lump on a log!? All 4 of my previous kisses had been the type of pecks that 5-year-olds gave each other, and I was extremely worried about my lack of lip lock know-how.
Because of this, I enlisted AmyRose, who was always much more street savvy than me. Amy thought I would probably benefit from visual aides in this department so she drew a man’s face on her old bedroom wall (Mom and Dad were planning on re-painting it anyway). She added lipgloss all over “his” lips, I guess to indicate where they were since my eyes would presumably be closed for most of the routine. She then had me practice kissing the wall repeatedly. There are pictures of this, but I prefer they stay buried at the bottom of my file cabinet and never see the light of day.
So as you can see, my parents had conspired to keep dating as out-of-reach as possible up to the point of our leaving home. (After that, it was out-of-reach just because I was afraid of looking like an ignorant loser). This is why it was so fortunate for them when online dating exploded onto the scene. Finally! my parents thought, Dating in a way that requires ZERO physical contact! Just what we always wanted for our kids! They didn’t realize that you can only talk to a person for so long via email before you’re expected to meet him, but whatever.
My mother immediately set about trying to convince all of us to sign up for an online dating service. She figured we would plug in our statistics: medium height, green eyes, Protestant, and voila! the perfect man of God would appear via the information superhighway and woo us with his devotion and knowledge of ancient near eastern civilizations.
I believe that AmyRose was the only one of us never to succumb to Mom’s admonitions – she instead wrote all over the bedroom walls, in marker, about how dumb some of Mom’s ideas were.
Lindsay had to lie about her age to sign up, which is probably not a good way to begin a dating relationship anyway. Ryan tried it once or twice for a few days apiece. But I, ladies and gentlemen, insisted on beating my head against the brick wall of online dating for quite a few months, I am sorry to say.
Have you ever watch 3rd Rock From the Sun? I love that show. It's about a bunch of aliens disguised as people, and they're living together as a family unit, trying to figure out how to do life on earth. When Dr. Solomon finds out about "tipping" servers at a restaurant, he responds in typical Dr. Solomon fashion, which I don’t remember exactly, but it goes something like this:
"Now, my good man, you are our server this evening. Here is a stack of one-dollar bills sitting on the table. Every time you do something right, I will put a dollar over here for you. Every time you do something stupid, I will take a dollar out of that pile and give it back to me."
That is a good way to describe how my initial blind dates went... me adding and subtracting points in my head, based on the inanity and stupidity of the man sitting across from me...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Phantom Limbs
In keeping with the way I always do things, at the end of a relationship (even a relationship that never actually happened), I delve into the world of online dating. Why? Because I hope that if I distract myself with enough would-be princes, the one who got away won't matter as much.
I've had mixed results.
On one hand, I never actually succeed in anesthetizing the pain of losing someone you care about. On the other hand, I've made 3 pretty good friends over the years. Only 1 of them have I actually met in person. Another one, I no longer talk to, as he is married and has a Top Secret job with the military now. And the last, I have an open-ended date with, whenever he eventually finds himself in my neck of the woods. (Who knows? Maybe he'll end up being The One).
But, despite all my dalliances, I find that Rejection always hurts. You grasp at the Phantom Limb, convinced it still itches even though you KNOW it's not even there anymore.
So perhaps I can distract myself by telling you the story of how I got to this place...
I've had mixed results.
On one hand, I never actually succeed in anesthetizing the pain of losing someone you care about. On the other hand, I've made 3 pretty good friends over the years. Only 1 of them have I actually met in person. Another one, I no longer talk to, as he is married and has a Top Secret job with the military now. And the last, I have an open-ended date with, whenever he eventually finds himself in my neck of the woods. (Who knows? Maybe he'll end up being The One).
But, despite all my dalliances, I find that Rejection always hurts. You grasp at the Phantom Limb, convinced it still itches even though you KNOW it's not even there anymore.
So perhaps I can distract myself by telling you the story of how I got to this place...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Beginning of The Princess And The Frogs
Once upon a time there was an average looking Princess, and she did not live in a castle. She lived in the basement of one of her co-workers because the economy was really bad and the King and Queen didn't want her living with them. Politics.But the castle situation was just one of her worries. The bigger issue at hand was that the average marrying age of most storybook princesses was about 16. That raises some ethical issues, I know, but what can you do? The average marrying age of most people in her village seemed to be about 25... and the average marrying age of the surrounding country? Well that was 25.6 for women. HOLY &*&%! When did that happen?!? Is that right!?
To be fair, the Princess should have been married a few years ago, but that damn knight hopped back on his donkey (it was NOT a white horse) and high-tailed it outta there. So here she sits, in the basement, typing away, wondering what will happen next.
Hi. I'm the Princess. I've had a string of bad luck in the man department. I'm sure most of it's my fault. I waited waaaay too long to start dating (I think I was about 24). Then I didn't have enough experience to recognize a good thing (nothing to compare it to). Then I got ditched by the prince mentioned above (bastard!). After that, I started kissing frogs, and that's what this blog's about.
Recently, I found myself on the other end of the fairy tale: a decent guy kissed me and found that I did not turn into his princess, but instead maintained my green, warty appearance. That's when I decided that it just wasn't enough to be someone else's frog-princess. You have to make your own luck. So to keep from howling in frustration, I am entering the world of online dating. You will read about my escapades with frogs and princes here, at http://www.theprincessandthefrogs.blogspot.com/ Subscribe or put it in your bookmarks. The best is yet to come :)
